Wednesday, 15 May 2013

May 15, 2013.

Well it's been a while and some things have certainly changed in my life, and in addition someone actually asked me when I was going to be making another post, which made me kind of happy. It's not nice to know someone else has these struggles, but it does make me happy that in a way I'm kind of helping them or that maybe they feel better that they have someone to relate to.

In terms of life, I got into my first preference for university so I am now studying to be a midwife, which is so incredible ! I'm not really loving the juggling act between work, university, family, friends, money, etc. But it will all be worthwhile in the end. Even now, just starting out I've already had moments that have made me feel like this is what I should be doing. I am about 80% certain I'll be doing university part time next year because the increasing level of difficulty of course work and placement combined with making enough money to survive just won't work otherwise, but it's not a race. I'll get there eventually. I think I sometimes forget that even though I can accept I may not process or experience life the same way as the majority of people, I get really upset when I can't balance everything like someone else who wasn't in my situation might be able to.

Also, on January 16, our 3 year anniversary, Morgan proposed ! I'm so happy. I kind of want to go all crazy and start planning a beautiful wedding but the whole money thing and trying to balance life as it is, it's just not working out for me. So hopefully soon we can set a date in the future and I can just slowly plan away over time. In any case, whether we get married in two years or ten years, I'm still incredibly happy that I've met the love of my life :)

I suppose I've been struggling the last few months. As soon as the whole 'OH MY GOD I'M ENGAGED' and 'OH MY GOD I GOT INTO MIDWIFERY' shock wore off, and I started to actually go to university and work and everything started to get on top of me, I sort of fell into a bit of a black hole. I guess I'm still there, but I'm working on it. I saw my psychiatrist a few months back and she recommended I stop taking seroquel if it was making me feel so tired, which helped. But it also had an anti-depressant effect, so after a little while I didn't feel so great and was trying to weigh up if tired and happy was more important than not tired and miserable. I've now been put on lamotrigine in addition to my valproate, which should have an antidepressant effect too, so hopefully that helps. My psych gave me the choice about valproate and lamotrigine vs lithium, but I'd really rather avoid lithium if possible.. so that has become my plan B. Lamotrigine is an anticonvulsant, and apparently it has the interesting side effect of a lethal skin rash so I have to increase my dose incredibly slowly, so I'm not sure when it will actually start working.

I guess I won't go into the whole depression thing too much in this post, I've said it before and it's basically exactly the same as every other time. Mostly for no reason, but I guess I also have other stuff going on that is really bothering me. It's really hard for me, at times, to be learning about pregnancy and child birth and knowing that I could never just get pregnant by surprise and be all happy and excited. I have to worry about medication hurting the baby and how I will personally cope with not taking medication while pregnant (it is absolutely up to the individual but I would never take that risk with my child unless it was an incredibly serious situation). It just makes me sad sometimes. I know I won't be able to have kids for a while, especially considering that even though I'm a lot more stable that I used to be, I am still affected by my moods a great deal. I want to be a good mum and I know that, in my situation, that means waiting but knowing this doesn't stop it from hurting. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to worry about so much ! Or maybe the problem is I worry about things that I shouldn't worry about yet anyway. Hm.

I think I actually have some new people on facebook and whatnot who will come across this and maybe not know that this is something I struggle with, so I'd really appreciate it if they took the time to read all the posts, or at least the important ones, and understand that mental illness is actually really common, and people can be living these secret lives full of pain, confusion and fear and you'd never even know.

Thanks for reading. I hope anyone who is having a rough time can feel free to contact me if they want to talk.


Saturday, 5 January 2013

January 6, 2013.

Yo'. Just figured I'd update this thing since it's been so long. I can't be bothered reading my last post (lazy, I know), but I have a vague idea of where I was then so I'll just jump forward to where we are now.

I'm still taking valproate, and a few months ago I started taking seroquel too. I'm only on 50mg a night, it's more the sedative dose rather than the anti-psychotic dose, and boy, it really does it's job. For a while there I was almost convinced I had become a zombie.. Constantly tired and felt barely any emotion, aside from being irritated occasionally. I'm okay now though, once all that business was finished I was getting good sleep and feeling emotionally quite stable - and that's pretty much how things have stayed ~!

I had an amazing new years eve party with some close friends, and much to mine and Morgan's surprise, some cool people from Melbourne made the trek to Adelaide to spend the night with us which was great. In addition to that, my sister and her boyfriend had come down for a week and a half for Christmas and new years and they stayed with us so it made me really happy to see her + Ned again. It's nice to see them so happy together ! 

I made some new years resolutions even though I think it's kind of silly - I don't think I've ever made any that lasted past June >.< But here they are any way ! 
1. Lose 5 or so kilos
2. Get a handle on my anxiety + bouts of rage
3. Get amazing grades at uni
4. Remind my family + loved ones how much I appreciate them more often.
5. Travel some place new. 
Wish me luck ! 

I guess I've already started having some weird feelings about this year.. It just feels like it's going to be a big year, and I don't know if that's good or bad. Things were pretty wacky on the last day of 2012 and it just feels like it's going to keep going.. Although maybe that's just due to my tendency to think everything snowballs - good and bad. 

I just have this uncomfortable feeling at the moment; it feels like no matter what I want in life I have to work hard for it, whereas others seem to get things handed to them even when they didn't even want them. I don't know if that makes sense or not, seeing as I don't feel comfortable in publicly expressing the few situations I'm talking about. It makes me feel really silly + self entitled, and I really don't want to think of myself like that as I've been raised to be grateful for what I have and work for what I don't. . I guess happiness just seems like something I have to put in so much effort to achieve, when others can just waltz through life doing what they want, finding happiness anywhere. I don't understand why I have to be such a perfectionist, and so impatient... It's hard to explain. It's not sadness, it's just when I think about what I want in life it's all very far away and thinking about it makes me feel physically uncomfortable like my skin is too tight. 
Reading that back I feel really embarrassed I think this way, but it's the truth so I'll leave it there. 

Anyway, as always, I'm here for anyone to talk to who is struggling with any mental health or life problems !
Thanks for reading.