Saturday, 5 January 2013

January 6, 2013.

Yo'. Just figured I'd update this thing since it's been so long. I can't be bothered reading my last post (lazy, I know), but I have a vague idea of where I was then so I'll just jump forward to where we are now.

I'm still taking valproate, and a few months ago I started taking seroquel too. I'm only on 50mg a night, it's more the sedative dose rather than the anti-psychotic dose, and boy, it really does it's job. For a while there I was almost convinced I had become a zombie.. Constantly tired and felt barely any emotion, aside from being irritated occasionally. I'm okay now though, once all that business was finished I was getting good sleep and feeling emotionally quite stable - and that's pretty much how things have stayed ~!

I had an amazing new years eve party with some close friends, and much to mine and Morgan's surprise, some cool people from Melbourne made the trek to Adelaide to spend the night with us which was great. In addition to that, my sister and her boyfriend had come down for a week and a half for Christmas and new years and they stayed with us so it made me really happy to see her + Ned again. It's nice to see them so happy together ! 

I made some new years resolutions even though I think it's kind of silly - I don't think I've ever made any that lasted past June >.< But here they are any way ! 
1. Lose 5 or so kilos
2. Get a handle on my anxiety + bouts of rage
3. Get amazing grades at uni
4. Remind my family + loved ones how much I appreciate them more often.
5. Travel some place new. 
Wish me luck ! 

I guess I've already started having some weird feelings about this year.. It just feels like it's going to be a big year, and I don't know if that's good or bad. Things were pretty wacky on the last day of 2012 and it just feels like it's going to keep going.. Although maybe that's just due to my tendency to think everything snowballs - good and bad. 

I just have this uncomfortable feeling at the moment; it feels like no matter what I want in life I have to work hard for it, whereas others seem to get things handed to them even when they didn't even want them. I don't know if that makes sense or not, seeing as I don't feel comfortable in publicly expressing the few situations I'm talking about. It makes me feel really silly + self entitled, and I really don't want to think of myself like that as I've been raised to be grateful for what I have and work for what I don't. . I guess happiness just seems like something I have to put in so much effort to achieve, when others can just waltz through life doing what they want, finding happiness anywhere. I don't understand why I have to be such a perfectionist, and so impatient... It's hard to explain. It's not sadness, it's just when I think about what I want in life it's all very far away and thinking about it makes me feel physically uncomfortable like my skin is too tight. 
Reading that back I feel really embarrassed I think this way, but it's the truth so I'll leave it there. 

Anyway, as always, I'm here for anyone to talk to who is struggling with any mental health or life problems !
Thanks for reading.