November 1, 2011

Hi everyone !

Just thought I'd write another blog now because with exams fast approaching I won't have time over the next month or so.

A recent problem I've been having is with anxiety. When I was on anti-depressants my moods were all over the place, but I wasn't as anxious as before, however; since being off of them I've had random panic attacks. They usually occur in clusters; I'll just have a day or two a week where I am constantly ready to drop to the ground in the foetal position because of a random panic attack. . All I can think is 'I've got to get out of here' and get terrible abdominal cramps, a tight feeling in my chest and throat, I feel like I'm 'zoning out' (kind of like that whole 'white light + can't hear your surroundings properly' thing before you pass out. Anyway, it was getting to be quite a problem, especially at work and uni. . So my doctor told me to go back on the last type of anti-depressants I was on, lexapro. To be honest, while it IS another pill to have to remember to take, I'm not too bothered because I didn't really have any terrible side effects from that one and it helped me lose weight/maintain weight.

WHICH REMINDS ME ! I was warned valproate caused weight gain in some people when I first started taking it, but as I'd lost some weight over the past year I thought it wouldn't affect me because I usually eat reasonably well and do a lot of incidental exercise. Well, I was wrong. Over the course of two or so days my daily hunger levels went from minimal (I don't usually eat much) to almost uncontrollable. So so so hungry all the time, and I put on like 3 kilos in 2 weeks D: I'm kind of vain in that the idea of gaining weight is just a huge fear I have, and after putting in so much effort to lose 10 kilos, regaining 3 was a bit of a kick in the teeth. So I've kind of had to go back to extremely healthy eating and purposely exercising, which I obviously don't LOVE the idea of, but I've already lost one of those three kilos I put back on so I hope the others go away soon too, and I kind of hope lexapro helps with that. .  But we shall see !

As I was saying in the first sentence, exams soon ! This is very exciting for me; nothing compares to the amazing feeling walking out of an exam knowing a topic is COMPLETE. This is my last year of university, and I'm just wrapping up my last semester, just handed in my last assignment, feels crazy, really does. Managing to work next year is going to be a whole new adventure. I honestly don't think I can work full time, I don't think I'm either stable enough, or perhaps I'm just not like normal people who can force themselves to go to work. It's incredibly stressful for me and I don't enjoy pressure. Luckily I do have a great boss and considering where I could be working, I do love my job.. It just IS stressful. Mistakes get noticed, and can seriously affect people (I work in a pathology company), and it worries me of what could happen if I screw up. I know most other people who work there don't worry about it as much as me, but my personality is such that I am terrified of making a mistake or being seen as stupid. I'm going to work 3 days a week over the holidays and see how I go, and like I said, my boss is so understanding.. She knows all about my problems and is a really caring person so I'm hoping it goes well :)

As usual, any questions - feel free to contact me. Or give me ideas of things to write about ! I'm running out D: Thanks for reading !

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