October 23, 2011

Howdy y'all.

It was my first little sister's birthday yesterday ! Shelby turned 18, which is a big deal of course, her being an adult now, so we had a big party to celebrate. I decided to take my medication later than usual and have a few drinks earlier on in the night because unfortunately I have enormous social anxiety and the idea of facing a large group of people without any kind of chemical assistance is too daunting. Unfortunately valproate and alcohol don't mix, and I only had about 2 drinks when I started feeling funny + really snoozy. Also if I skip my medication, my muscles twitch so hard it actually moves my whole arm/leg, and my whole body is itchy. It makes me want to murder people, really, it's SO uncomfortable. I had no idea this medication had withdrawal type side effects.. So anyway, I tried real hard to be sociable but I have no idea how I went. It's hard for me to imagine how I come across in conversations because in my head I'm thinking of a reply / a conversation starter, I'm counting how many seconds between eye contact, thinking about my body positioning so I don't come across as rude, trying not to panic when there's an awkward silence, etc. So I'm not totally sure if I come across as awkward and petrified as I feel on the inside, or if I just seem like some nice chatty kid.

I guess feeling so yucky has basically lead me to decide that I'll probably quit drinking. . there are few things I hate more on this earth than vomiting and having a headache, and combining them is some special kind of hell so I just can't risk it. I think at the end of the day, I have to think about what is more important - staying on medication and feeling mostly happy and stable, or quitting meds and going back to feeling like a train wreck but be able to drink a fair amount. . And of course, I pick the first one. It just means I have to find some way to work on my social skills, or at the very least accept that I'm awkward and not engage in any future social interactions ever. While I was toying with the idea of living in a mountain cave and eating nothing but imported salt and vinegar chips, Morgan suggested I try work on my social skills :C So in any case, I am going to try and not be such a socially awkward person, please don't give me too much of a hard time if I come across as rude or anything in conversation. I just suck at it. The only people I can talk to are my immediate family, morgan, and gemma and ellana - who I've known for I think 5 and 3 years respectively. Which is a long time to get comfortable around someone !

 On a completely unrelated matter - I noticed I didn't make a blog about a recent decision I made. I decided to get dreads months ago but couldn't find anyone who used the technique I wanted, until about 2 weeks ago when someone on my facebook said they could dread hair without using products or back combing - just what I wanted ! We met up and now I have a head covered in tenacles which I love so much ! No more swearing at my hair / the mirror every morning cause it looks awful. I'm very happy with the result C: so if you're serious about getting your hair dreaded, let me know and I'll give you contact details (or check out 'Zephyr Elf' on facebook. Thanks for reading !

<3 B.