Saturday, 27 August 2011

August 27, 2011.

This isn't really a blog about anything in particular. I just thought I'd write one because I've had a strange week and might have seemed kind of 'off'.

I guess Thursday was the worst day. I woke up in a really bad mood and it just got progressively worst and I was a grumpy, teary mess by lunch time. Work wasn't too bad - the best thing about my work is that you just sit down, do your work, and go home. There's no dealing with customers, which is great. That sounds awful I know, but there's nothing worse than feeling awful and having to go to work and put on a fake smile and ask people how they are, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball in some kind of quilt tent and cry until your eyes are swollen and have no more tears left.

I can't really remember Friday, which I think means I was in a good mood. Which brings us to today . . I dropped Morgan off at his dads and took my grandma out shopping because she was grumpy at my brother. I felt bad because I was meant to spend time with my dad and he seemed really sad, which made me feel awful. I always feel like my dad doesn't know how much I appreciate + love him. In any case, aside from making my dad sad, I feel okay today. I know I'll have a chance to have some drinks + hang out on Saturday night with him for Daddy's Day C:

I just wanted to clarify something. If I'm in a sad or angry mood, I'm not sad or angry at you. If I were, I'd tell you. So don't worry ! Don't constantly ask me what's wrong, either. Because most of the time I don't have a god damn clue what's wrong. I LOVE my life. I feel so incredibly lucky because I have everything I want and need (minus millions of dollars, but I'll deal with that). I have no real control over my mood. So when I say nothing is wrong, or I don't know what's wrong, I'm telling the truth ! If I look tired, or grumpy or I'm not talking much (when I usually do around you), don't worry. I'm having a bad day. The tablets I'm on currently mean one day might be bad, but the next day is okay. Usually the bad mood lasts weeks, so I understand why it might be strange now that my mood is constantly changing. But all I ask is that you don't interrogate me; it makes me feel 10000x worse.

The thing is. . I made this blog so I can tell people how I'm feeling because I HATE doing it in person. The internet has this comfortable sense of being impersonal, so I'm telling you how I feel without it feeling like I actually am. I hate constantly complaining about how I'm tired or how my bones hurt or how I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin at any second. I don't want to constantly talk about how I feel with the people I care about. I could spend all day telling you every single negative thought inside my head, but where would that get us ? I know how ridiculous most of them are as much as the next guy. I really rely on you guys to distract me from myself and make me laugh, cause that's why you're in my life ! I don't feel very human most the time, so I choose to surround myself with funny, happy, amazing people, because the people in my life are the only people who make me feel attached to this earth + to life.

So to the people in my life, thanks for 'putting up with me'. I know it's a challenge sometimes, but I hope you know that YOU are not the problem. I'm just going along, trying to make the best out of a sometimes bad situation, and I don't want you to worry. I'm not the giving up type (and as soon as I feel like I am, I go a-running to my mummy). Just put on a smile and make me giggle, because you being happy is the best thing you can do for me. When I want to complain, trust me, I'll do it (just ask Morgan !) but until then, let's get on with shit.


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