Friday, 2 September 2011

September 2, 2011

So today was my big day ! After waiting what felt like an awfully long time, my psychiatrist appointment day arrived ! He was a really friendly guy, and after chatting for just under an hour he decided I did, infact, have type 1 bipolar disorder. He also said the antidepressants I'd been on were probably making me feel worse rather than better, and so I'm supposed to phase them out over the next two weeks. He also prescribed me a new drug - sodium valproate. It's apparently some anti-epileptic drug that has shown to work as a mood stabilizer aswell.

Aside from giving me a diagnosis and new treatment, the psychiatrist also cleared something up for me that I'd been worrying about for some time. When you're mentally ill, and have been so for some time, you begin to wonder what is 'you', and what is just a consequence or side effect of the mental illness. I was telling him how I'm incredibly quiet, have difficulty making friends, don't really feel very connected with people or have any common interests with them, and constantly find myself questioning peoples actions because I truly can't understand how they made such decisions and can live with themselves having done so. I thought this whole isolated, somewhat misanthropic behaviour was caused by my mood, mostly my depression, because when I'm manic I don't really give a shit. But apparently, nope ! I was informed that I have an 'outsider' personality, and that I will always be this way. I'm happy to know that what I was thinking and feeling was actually 'me', but at the same time it is a tad sad, just knowing I'll never be the social butterfly I always hoped I'd transform into so I didn't have to deal with this crap anymore. But hey, I have to accept who I am. I may not have many close friends, but the people I am close to know just how much I adore them, because I only let the best of the best into my life. I may not ever understand the way most other people work and why they do the things they do, but I just need to realise that this is OKAY ! I don't have to understand everything. I just have to learn to be happy with what I do have, and what I do know and be able to admit when I don't know something.

This is all part of the chapter in my life I guess. I really hope this medication works, but at the same time I don't want to become too excited about the prospect of stability, just incase it doesn't happen. I also don't want to get my hopes too high, because I'm not so sure how I'll change yet. I'm told I'll still be moody, but the moods will be less severe. I might wake up and feel sad still, but it won't stop me from doing the things I have to do. I'll be 'functional'. I suppose that's all I can ask for.

Anyway, that's all I have to report today. I think I'd like to do my next blog on mental illness + parents, with fathers day coming up and all. Thanks for reading ! And as always, feel free to contact me. I don't bite <:D


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