Sunday, 4 September 2011

Parents + mental illness.

Well today is fathers day ! I stayed at my parents house last night to spend time with my dad. We watched the football and unfortunately dad got really mad because the crows lost, but I think he was happy overall that Jordan and I spent time with him, plus all the other kids of course :)

Its been a really tough journey for my parents, watching their first born having such a hard time with life for so long. I remember one time in particular I came home from uni at lunch time, went straight to bed and hid under the quilt and just cried and cried. . I didn't know what was wrong, but my chest hurt so much, like someone I loved had died, even though nothing had happened. I remember my mum sitting next to me on my bed asking me what was wrong and what she could do and I kept saying nothing and the look in her eyes was so heartbreaking, I'll never forget it.. A look of pure helplessness. Mum and dad have been with me through all my ups and downs, and I owe them everything. I think I have my dads grey eyes, his perfectionism and shyness, and my mums teeth, shopaholic ways and need for everything to be done straight away ! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that so many people who are mentally ill either rely totally on their parents, or completely push them away. . and maybe when I was younger I pushed them away, but now that I'm 20, I need my mummy and daddy more than ever. Some days I come home after university and lie on the couch, and mum rubs my feet and we watch television together. I still need dad to drive me to new places that I'm scared to drive myself, or if I need a ride anywhere. And every saturday night I'm home, dad always comes and hugs me goodnight and tells me that he loves me. When I sleep over and dad isn't there, because he works nightshift, sometimes I make mum come and tuck me into bed still. I'm just a big ol' kid and sometimes I feel sorry that my parents have a 20 year old baby :P Mostly, I hope they know I do still need them and love them so much. I am so grateful for the childhood I had, and that my parents are always there for me. Having bipolar disorder I know there's a strong chance my kids will have it too, and I don't know how I'll cope, to be honest. I don't know how my parents do it, watching me be so sad. . The times I've curled up in my mums arms and told her I can't live anymore, she's so strong to have gone through that. And my poor dad being a nightshift worker and not being able to be there for me as much as mum. . I think it would have been just as hard for him because he couldn't even be there to try and help.

There's also the whole 'i feel sorry for my parents for having such a weird first child/daughter' thing. I know it makes my parents angry when we go out and I get stared at. It's like water off a ducks back to me, but they're still so protective of me. I guess I'm trying to say sorry for being a blue haired, pierced, tattooed weirdo :) And I'm sorry for insisting I want my tongue split and subdermal implants, but I won't push my luck !  I think my parents have learned to accept me for who I am, whatever that is, and I'm glad they still love me even though I'm a tad eccentric. I don't think they know how much it means to me that they don't give me crap about how I look and I'll forever be thankful to them for that. I truly think I have the best parents evaarr !

If I've learnt anything, it's that you only get one mum and one dad. So be good to them, kids! And gosh, THEY LOVE YOU, so tell them how you feel. There is nothing like a hug from your mum or dad when life is hard. Don't shut them out - it hurts everybody.


On another note - the medication I'm due to start tomorrow has side effects including MASS WEIGHT GAIN. So I've decided I'm going to drink those yummy diet shakes for breakfast and lunch (not dinner), just to try and keep the possible weight gain at bay. I would diet but I hate vegetables so shakes it is. So PLEASE don't be all 'why are you drinking them, you're skinny already !' because I'm not trying to lose weight.. I'm just trying not to gain it. Also, I've decided to quit drinking aside from rare occasions like my birthday, because I'm trying to be healthy and take care of my body while taking this drug because it can be quite toxic if you don't take care of yourself.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Ask questions, etc.


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