Saturday, 19 November 2011

November 20, 2011

Figured I'd write a post before I finish exams because I can't study tonight, my head is too messed up..

I may or may not have mentioned in earlier posts how I often feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. . I obviously know there aren't bugs under my skin, but it's the only way to describe the kind of itchy, tingly sensation I feel. It's mostly in my joints, like my elbows, knees, finger joints and toe joints, but a tiny bit in my arm and leg bones too. I'm used to it mostly, but when I'm having a panic attack the feeling is far worse and today, I assume to the extra stressor of exams being added to my life, it was the worst it's ever been. I couldn't stop scratching my skin and was so panicked and agitated, I felt like it would feel like this forever. Morgan drove me to the doctor and he gave me some valium to help calm me down, but suggested I go back to a psychiatrist for a longer term solution because valium can be a yucky addictive drug.

It kind of pisses me off because I thought it would be like 'you have bipolar, take this and you'll feel normal', but it isn't. The mood swings went away, but the anxiety got worse, tried to treat the anxiety, and now I just get random panic attacks with weird paresthesia. I'm sick of there always being SOMETHING. Hopefully this is the last of it. . Aside from that occurring, I actually woke up in a really good mood today and lately have been feeling really positive about life. Just feels like as soon as I start feeling good, something bad happens so I'm just re-affirming that I should always expect the worst and it's not the way I want to live but I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter. Every time I try and be positive the world gives me a better reason to be negative.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when exams are over and I enter december, my happiest time of the year !

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