Friday, 30 September 2011

September 30, 2011

I just thought I'd write a quick blog letting everyone know what's been going on in my life, while I wait for Morgan to finish work at take me home. .

Basically I've been on the full dose of valproate for almost two weeks now and I feel really really happy. I think before the problem was I had a good life but I couldn't appreciate it, or appreciated it too much in a short amount of time. . But now things are balanced. Bad things make me feel bad, good things make me feel good, and considering I am actually pretty lucky with the way my life goes, I'm feelin' good. This has basically been my general thoughts for the last week; before that I was sick. My tummy hurt from the tablets, then my wisdom tooth decided it was a good time to start growing again so my whole jaw + part of my throat was swollen and sore. Then I took too much neurofen to try and fix it and ended up with excruciating stomach cramps which was awful. But it went away thankfully ! Just last night I forgot my tablets and woke up feeling like my old bipolar self this morning, which was a rude awakening as to how quickly things can spiral downwards. .

I've been on holidays from uni for the past 2 weeks or so, I'm back to uni on tuesday D: The first week was ruined by feeling yuck and then I had to do assignments over the weekend + monday + tuesday but I powered through them and hope to enjoy my last weekend of freedom before throwing myself back into school.

Because of my tooth ache I had to get a dental x-ray thing, which meant I had to take out my bottom lip piercings, which made me kind of sad. I was going to get my cheeks pierced in their place, but unfortunately I have a big blood vessel in the way so that didn't go ahead. I put one of my lip piercings back in and got the otherside done, and I'm so pleased :D I went to modify body piercing on king william street; Suzie gave me my first lip piercing when I was 18 and has given me nearly all my piercings since (with the exception of Harmony who also works at Modify). I was also disappointed to find out the modification artist Efix Roy postponed his trip to Adelaide, which means my scarification and tongue split are also postponed. . but if you want something done right, you have to go to the best so I'll have to wait !

In any case, my life has been kind of boring since I've been happier. Which actually feels nice. . nothing to worry about. I still have a few blogs left to write on specific aspects of mental illness, so if anyone has anything they want mentioned aside from mental illness + friends + being social, and mental illness + children then let me know, I'd be happy to write one :) Thanks for reading !


Wednesday, 7 September 2011

September 7, 2011.

Just a quick blog to let everyone know how my medication is going. Basically coming off of my antidepressants is giving me awful abdominal pain and a fuzzy head, and i'm predicting the brain zaps will start within the next few days. Valproate is giving me mad nausea all night so I can't really sleep at night, I'm just surviving off naps during the day when the tummy ache has faded enough to rest. This new drug takes 2 - 4 weeks to work so I am chemically 'alone' at the moment. Which accounts for the fact that I feel LIKE TOTAL SHIT. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I can't focus, I can't have too many people around me because then I start feeling panicked and overwhelmed, I can't eat, occasionally I stop feeling 'real', ETC.ETC.ETC.

So I've taken this week off uni mostly to rest so I don't have some level 5 breakdown in the library because I couldn't find a helpful journal article regarding point of care testing (yes, this happened monday). So please, if I don't seem like myself, give me a break. I'm trying to distance myself from every one who I care about because it's you guys I feel the most comfortable going crazy at because I love you. weird, I know. I just don't want to upset or hurt anyone right now.

I guess I feel kind of naive for thinking that I'd feel better straight away. But I have to remain optimistic ! Things will get better soon. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on. Hopefully my next post is much happier.


Sunday, 4 September 2011

Parents + mental illness.

Well today is fathers day ! I stayed at my parents house last night to spend time with my dad. We watched the football and unfortunately dad got really mad because the crows lost, but I think he was happy overall that Jordan and I spent time with him, plus all the other kids of course :)

Its been a really tough journey for my parents, watching their first born having such a hard time with life for so long. I remember one time in particular I came home from uni at lunch time, went straight to bed and hid under the quilt and just cried and cried. . I didn't know what was wrong, but my chest hurt so much, like someone I loved had died, even though nothing had happened. I remember my mum sitting next to me on my bed asking me what was wrong and what she could do and I kept saying nothing and the look in her eyes was so heartbreaking, I'll never forget it.. A look of pure helplessness. Mum and dad have been with me through all my ups and downs, and I owe them everything. I think I have my dads grey eyes, his perfectionism and shyness, and my mums teeth, shopaholic ways and need for everything to be done straight away ! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that so many people who are mentally ill either rely totally on their parents, or completely push them away. . and maybe when I was younger I pushed them away, but now that I'm 20, I need my mummy and daddy more than ever. Some days I come home after university and lie on the couch, and mum rubs my feet and we watch television together. I still need dad to drive me to new places that I'm scared to drive myself, or if I need a ride anywhere. And every saturday night I'm home, dad always comes and hugs me goodnight and tells me that he loves me. When I sleep over and dad isn't there, because he works nightshift, sometimes I make mum come and tuck me into bed still. I'm just a big ol' kid and sometimes I feel sorry that my parents have a 20 year old baby :P Mostly, I hope they know I do still need them and love them so much. I am so grateful for the childhood I had, and that my parents are always there for me. Having bipolar disorder I know there's a strong chance my kids will have it too, and I don't know how I'll cope, to be honest. I don't know how my parents do it, watching me be so sad. . The times I've curled up in my mums arms and told her I can't live anymore, she's so strong to have gone through that. And my poor dad being a nightshift worker and not being able to be there for me as much as mum. . I think it would have been just as hard for him because he couldn't even be there to try and help.

There's also the whole 'i feel sorry for my parents for having such a weird first child/daughter' thing. I know it makes my parents angry when we go out and I get stared at. It's like water off a ducks back to me, but they're still so protective of me. I guess I'm trying to say sorry for being a blue haired, pierced, tattooed weirdo :) And I'm sorry for insisting I want my tongue split and subdermal implants, but I won't push my luck !  I think my parents have learned to accept me for who I am, whatever that is, and I'm glad they still love me even though I'm a tad eccentric. I don't think they know how much it means to me that they don't give me crap about how I look and I'll forever be thankful to them for that. I truly think I have the best parents evaarr !

If I've learnt anything, it's that you only get one mum and one dad. So be good to them, kids! And gosh, THEY LOVE YOU, so tell them how you feel. There is nothing like a hug from your mum or dad when life is hard. Don't shut them out - it hurts everybody.


On another note - the medication I'm due to start tomorrow has side effects including MASS WEIGHT GAIN. So I've decided I'm going to drink those yummy diet shakes for breakfast and lunch (not dinner), just to try and keep the possible weight gain at bay. I would diet but I hate vegetables so shakes it is. So PLEASE don't be all 'why are you drinking them, you're skinny already !' because I'm not trying to lose weight.. I'm just trying not to gain it. Also, I've decided to quit drinking aside from rare occasions like my birthday, because I'm trying to be healthy and take care of my body while taking this drug because it can be quite toxic if you don't take care of yourself.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Ask questions, etc.


Friday, 2 September 2011

September 2, 2011

So today was my big day ! After waiting what felt like an awfully long time, my psychiatrist appointment day arrived ! He was a really friendly guy, and after chatting for just under an hour he decided I did, infact, have type 1 bipolar disorder. He also said the antidepressants I'd been on were probably making me feel worse rather than better, and so I'm supposed to phase them out over the next two weeks. He also prescribed me a new drug - sodium valproate. It's apparently some anti-epileptic drug that has shown to work as a mood stabilizer aswell.

Aside from giving me a diagnosis and new treatment, the psychiatrist also cleared something up for me that I'd been worrying about for some time. When you're mentally ill, and have been so for some time, you begin to wonder what is 'you', and what is just a consequence or side effect of the mental illness. I was telling him how I'm incredibly quiet, have difficulty making friends, don't really feel very connected with people or have any common interests with them, and constantly find myself questioning peoples actions because I truly can't understand how they made such decisions and can live with themselves having done so. I thought this whole isolated, somewhat misanthropic behaviour was caused by my mood, mostly my depression, because when I'm manic I don't really give a shit. But apparently, nope ! I was informed that I have an 'outsider' personality, and that I will always be this way. I'm happy to know that what I was thinking and feeling was actually 'me', but at the same time it is a tad sad, just knowing I'll never be the social butterfly I always hoped I'd transform into so I didn't have to deal with this crap anymore. But hey, I have to accept who I am. I may not have many close friends, but the people I am close to know just how much I adore them, because I only let the best of the best into my life. I may not ever understand the way most other people work and why they do the things they do, but I just need to realise that this is OKAY ! I don't have to understand everything. I just have to learn to be happy with what I do have, and what I do know and be able to admit when I don't know something.

This is all part of the chapter in my life I guess. I really hope this medication works, but at the same time I don't want to become too excited about the prospect of stability, just incase it doesn't happen. I also don't want to get my hopes too high, because I'm not so sure how I'll change yet. I'm told I'll still be moody, but the moods will be less severe. I might wake up and feel sad still, but it won't stop me from doing the things I have to do. I'll be 'functional'. I suppose that's all I can ask for.

Anyway, that's all I have to report today. I think I'd like to do my next blog on mental illness + parents, with fathers day coming up and all. Thanks for reading ! And as always, feel free to contact me. I don't bite <:D