Sunday, 12 August 2012

August 12, 2012

Well damn, it's been a really long time since I've written one of these ! It's hard to know where to start. . I'm sorry I can't be bothered reading the last post and figuring out what has changed, probably not much. I'm working full time, still with my dearest Morgy, and gosh, what else. I don't really do anything except leave the house to work at the moment. That sounds sad, and I guess it is really sad, to be honest. I've been frightfully depressed, with varying degrees of intensity, over the past few months with perhaps only a fortnights hypomania in between. It's been very draining, and I've been lacking any kind of spark to write anything, or communicate with anyone at all, outside my family.

After an overnight stay in hospital, I declined to stay in an inpatient treatment facility, as I felt being separated from Morgan and my family for any amount of time would only be detrimental to my recovery from this relapse into depression. I did manage to get an appointment with my psychiatrist for a review, and he deemed that my migraine prevention drugs might be causing my depression, or prolonging it. So now I'm being taken off them, and so far, 1 headache already on the reduced dose. I'm worried about how I am going to go when I have to go off of them entirely as they've worked so well in stopping my headaches entirely, but my doctor assures me that there are plenty of other options we can try. If this fails to help my depression, I have to be put on quetiapine, or 'seroquel' as it's otherwise known, and hopefully that will be able to help me get back on track..

I bought some books today as it occurred to me that I've never actually done much reading on bipolar disorder, so hopefully when the books arrive it will be something to keep me busy and informed. . I can only hope it will help me understand my wacky brain just a little better. I've got nothing to lose, and something to gain, so why not ? I can't imagine what 'The bipolar survival guide' is going to do to help, but it certainly caught my attention.

A thought occurred to me the other day. . I think I'm too hopeful, and expect too much. I don't know what I expect too much of - life, maybe ? Myself ? My body ? Every time I get better I always think it's going to be permanent, and then when I relapse into depression (of course I don't so much mind the mania or hypomania) it's so much more crushing because I didn't expect it. As sad as it sounds, I need to give up hope. I need to learn to accept what I have, and go with it ! Of course I can fight it, I will never stop believing that life can be better, but I need to learn my limits, understand that this is the way it is and always will be. If by some miracle I get better, and I don't ever have to take medication again, and I only ever get sad when there's a reason to, then that's a massive bonus and yay for me ! But I can't keep doing this to myself. I need to put this here, in writing, as a reminder. . I need to stop lying to myself. I need to keep my mind aware and prepare for the next battle. Not dwell on it, but be prepared for it.And there's a difference.

It's just been a really rough time lately, especially the last few weeks, I cried at work (how embarrassing, urgh) the one place I thought I could hide. I haven't been seeing my friends as much - Ellana if you read this.. I miss you. Gemma, I'm sorry we don't see each other as much as we used to.. I haven't even been seeing my family as much as usual. It's just so hard. Because I know the people in my life genuinely care about me, and so when I see you, it's so hard to pretend I'm okay, and that life is okay. I can be a fraud to anyone but you. So please don't ask me how I am. I'll tell you if I need to. Just distract me from everything.

I just want to finish on a positive note - I WILL get through this. It's tough now. But I will be okay. My doctors and I have a plan in action and I believe it will work, but if it doesn't, that's okay. We'll try another. Thank you to everyone who has been putting up with me lately and have been supporting me.


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