I just thought I'd write a quick blog letting everyone know what's been going on in my life, while I wait for Morgan to finish work at take me home. .
Basically I've been on the full dose of valproate for almost two weeks now and I feel really really happy. I think before the problem was I had a good life but I couldn't appreciate it, or appreciated it too much in a short amount of time. . But now things are balanced. Bad things make me feel bad, good things make me feel good, and considering I am actually pretty lucky with the way my life goes, I'm feelin' good. This has basically been my general thoughts for the last week; before that I was sick. My tummy hurt from the tablets, then my wisdom tooth decided it was a good time to start growing again so my whole jaw + part of my throat was swollen and sore. Then I took too much neurofen to try and fix it and ended up with excruciating stomach cramps which was awful. But it went away thankfully ! Just last night I forgot my tablets and woke up feeling like my old bipolar self this morning, which was a rude awakening as to how quickly things can spiral downwards. .
I've been on holidays from uni for the past 2 weeks or so, I'm back to uni on tuesday D: The first week was ruined by feeling yuck and then I had to do assignments over the weekend + monday + tuesday but I powered through them and hope to enjoy my last weekend of freedom before throwing myself back into school.
Because of my tooth ache I had to get a dental x-ray thing, which meant I had to take out my bottom lip piercings, which made me kind of sad. I was going to get my cheeks pierced in their place, but unfortunately I have a big blood vessel in the way so that didn't go ahead. I put one of my lip piercings back in and got the otherside done, and I'm so pleased :D I went to modify body piercing on king william street; Suzie gave me my first lip piercing when I was 18 and has given me nearly all my piercings since (with the exception of Harmony who also works at Modify). I was also disappointed to find out the modification artist Efix Roy postponed his trip to Adelaide, which means my scarification and tongue split are also postponed. . but if you want something done right, you have to go to the best so I'll have to wait !
In any case, my life has been kind of boring since I've been happier. Which actually feels nice. . nothing to worry about. I still have a few blogs left to write on specific aspects of mental illness, so if anyone has anything they want mentioned aside from mental illness + friends + being social, and mental illness + children then let me know, I'd be happy to write one :) Thanks for reading !
<3
Friday, 30 September 2011
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
September 7, 2011.
Just a quick blog to let everyone know how my medication is going. Basically coming off of my antidepressants is giving me awful abdominal pain and a fuzzy head, and i'm predicting the brain zaps will start within the next few days. Valproate is giving me mad nausea all night so I can't really sleep at night, I'm just surviving off naps during the day when the tummy ache has faded enough to rest. This new drug takes 2 - 4 weeks to work so I am chemically 'alone' at the moment. Which accounts for the fact that I feel LIKE TOTAL SHIT. I'm grumpy, I'm tired, I can't focus, I can't have too many people around me because then I start feeling panicked and overwhelmed, I can't eat, occasionally I stop feeling 'real', ETC.ETC.ETC.
So I've taken this week off uni mostly to rest so I don't have some level 5 breakdown in the library because I couldn't find a helpful journal article regarding point of care testing (yes, this happened monday). So please, if I don't seem like myself, give me a break. I'm trying to distance myself from every one who I care about because it's you guys I feel the most comfortable going crazy at because I love you. weird, I know. I just don't want to upset or hurt anyone right now.
I guess I feel kind of naive for thinking that I'd feel better straight away. But I have to remain optimistic ! Things will get better soon. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on. Hopefully my next post is much happier.
<3
So I've taken this week off uni mostly to rest so I don't have some level 5 breakdown in the library because I couldn't find a helpful journal article regarding point of care testing (yes, this happened monday). So please, if I don't seem like myself, give me a break. I'm trying to distance myself from every one who I care about because it's you guys I feel the most comfortable going crazy at because I love you. weird, I know. I just don't want to upset or hurt anyone right now.
I guess I feel kind of naive for thinking that I'd feel better straight away. But I have to remain optimistic ! Things will get better soon. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what's going on. Hopefully my next post is much happier.
<3
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Parents + mental illness.
Well today is fathers day ! I stayed at my parents house last night to spend time with my dad. We watched the football and unfortunately dad got really mad because the crows lost, but I think he was happy overall that Jordan and I spent time with him, plus all the other kids of course :)
Its been a really tough journey for my parents, watching their first born having such a hard time with life for so long. I remember one time in particular I came home from uni at lunch time, went straight to bed and hid under the quilt and just cried and cried. . I didn't know what was wrong, but my chest hurt so much, like someone I loved had died, even though nothing had happened. I remember my mum sitting next to me on my bed asking me what was wrong and what she could do and I kept saying nothing and the look in her eyes was so heartbreaking, I'll never forget it.. A look of pure helplessness. Mum and dad have been with me through all my ups and downs, and I owe them everything. I think I have my dads grey eyes, his perfectionism and shyness, and my mums teeth, shopaholic ways and need for everything to be done straight away ! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that so many people who are mentally ill either rely totally on their parents, or completely push them away. . and maybe when I was younger I pushed them away, but now that I'm 20, I need my mummy and daddy more than ever. Some days I come home after university and lie on the couch, and mum rubs my feet and we watch television together. I still need dad to drive me to new places that I'm scared to drive myself, or if I need a ride anywhere. And every saturday night I'm home, dad always comes and hugs me goodnight and tells me that he loves me. When I sleep over and dad isn't there, because he works nightshift, sometimes I make mum come and tuck me into bed still. I'm just a big ol' kid and sometimes I feel sorry that my parents have a 20 year old baby :P Mostly, I hope they know I do still need them and love them so much. I am so grateful for the childhood I had, and that my parents are always there for me. Having bipolar disorder I know there's a strong chance my kids will have it too, and I don't know how I'll cope, to be honest. I don't know how my parents do it, watching me be so sad. . The times I've curled up in my mums arms and told her I can't live anymore, she's so strong to have gone through that. And my poor dad being a nightshift worker and not being able to be there for me as much as mum. . I think it would have been just as hard for him because he couldn't even be there to try and help.
There's also the whole 'i feel sorry for my parents for having such a weird first child/daughter' thing. I know it makes my parents angry when we go out and I get stared at. It's like water off a ducks back to me, but they're still so protective of me. I guess I'm trying to say sorry for being a blue haired, pierced, tattooed weirdo :) And I'm sorry for insisting I want my tongue split and subdermal implants, but I won't push my luck ! I think my parents have learned to accept me for who I am, whatever that is, and I'm glad they still love me even though I'm a tad eccentric. I don't think they know how much it means to me that they don't give me crap about how I look and I'll forever be thankful to them for that. I truly think I have the best parents evaarr !
If I've learnt anything, it's that you only get one mum and one dad. So be good to them, kids! And gosh, THEY LOVE YOU, so tell them how you feel. There is nothing like a hug from your mum or dad when life is hard. Don't shut them out - it hurts everybody.
On another note - the medication I'm due to start tomorrow has side effects including MASS WEIGHT GAIN. So I've decided I'm going to drink those yummy diet shakes for breakfast and lunch (not dinner), just to try and keep the possible weight gain at bay. I would diet but I hate vegetables so shakes it is. So PLEASE don't be all 'why are you drinking them, you're skinny already !' because I'm not trying to lose weight.. I'm just trying not to gain it. Also, I've decided to quit drinking aside from rare occasions like my birthday, because I'm trying to be healthy and take care of my body while taking this drug because it can be quite toxic if you don't take care of yourself.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Ask questions, etc.
<3
Its been a really tough journey for my parents, watching their first born having such a hard time with life for so long. I remember one time in particular I came home from uni at lunch time, went straight to bed and hid under the quilt and just cried and cried. . I didn't know what was wrong, but my chest hurt so much, like someone I loved had died, even though nothing had happened. I remember my mum sitting next to me on my bed asking me what was wrong and what she could do and I kept saying nothing and the look in her eyes was so heartbreaking, I'll never forget it.. A look of pure helplessness. Mum and dad have been with me through all my ups and downs, and I owe them everything. I think I have my dads grey eyes, his perfectionism and shyness, and my mums teeth, shopaholic ways and need for everything to be done straight away ! I guess the point I'm trying to make is that so many people who are mentally ill either rely totally on their parents, or completely push them away. . and maybe when I was younger I pushed them away, but now that I'm 20, I need my mummy and daddy more than ever. Some days I come home after university and lie on the couch, and mum rubs my feet and we watch television together. I still need dad to drive me to new places that I'm scared to drive myself, or if I need a ride anywhere. And every saturday night I'm home, dad always comes and hugs me goodnight and tells me that he loves me. When I sleep over and dad isn't there, because he works nightshift, sometimes I make mum come and tuck me into bed still. I'm just a big ol' kid and sometimes I feel sorry that my parents have a 20 year old baby :P Mostly, I hope they know I do still need them and love them so much. I am so grateful for the childhood I had, and that my parents are always there for me. Having bipolar disorder I know there's a strong chance my kids will have it too, and I don't know how I'll cope, to be honest. I don't know how my parents do it, watching me be so sad. . The times I've curled up in my mums arms and told her I can't live anymore, she's so strong to have gone through that. And my poor dad being a nightshift worker and not being able to be there for me as much as mum. . I think it would have been just as hard for him because he couldn't even be there to try and help.
There's also the whole 'i feel sorry for my parents for having such a weird first child/daughter' thing. I know it makes my parents angry when we go out and I get stared at. It's like water off a ducks back to me, but they're still so protective of me. I guess I'm trying to say sorry for being a blue haired, pierced, tattooed weirdo :) And I'm sorry for insisting I want my tongue split and subdermal implants, but I won't push my luck ! I think my parents have learned to accept me for who I am, whatever that is, and I'm glad they still love me even though I'm a tad eccentric. I don't think they know how much it means to me that they don't give me crap about how I look and I'll forever be thankful to them for that. I truly think I have the best parents evaarr !
If I've learnt anything, it's that you only get one mum and one dad. So be good to them, kids! And gosh, THEY LOVE YOU, so tell them how you feel. There is nothing like a hug from your mum or dad when life is hard. Don't shut them out - it hurts everybody.
~
Anyway, thanks for reading. Ask questions, etc.
<3
Friday, 2 September 2011
September 2, 2011
So today was my big day ! After waiting what felt like an awfully long time, my psychiatrist appointment day arrived ! He was a really friendly guy, and after chatting for just under an hour he decided I did, infact, have type 1 bipolar disorder. He also said the antidepressants I'd been on were probably making me feel worse rather than better, and so I'm supposed to phase them out over the next two weeks. He also prescribed me a new drug - sodium valproate. It's apparently some anti-epileptic drug that has shown to work as a mood stabilizer aswell.
Aside from giving me a diagnosis and new treatment, the psychiatrist also cleared something up for me that I'd been worrying about for some time. When you're mentally ill, and have been so for some time, you begin to wonder what is 'you', and what is just a consequence or side effect of the mental illness. I was telling him how I'm incredibly quiet, have difficulty making friends, don't really feel very connected with people or have any common interests with them, and constantly find myself questioning peoples actions because I truly can't understand how they made such decisions and can live with themselves having done so. I thought this whole isolated, somewhat misanthropic behaviour was caused by my mood, mostly my depression, because when I'm manic I don't really give a shit. But apparently, nope ! I was informed that I have an 'outsider' personality, and that I will always be this way. I'm happy to know that what I was thinking and feeling was actually 'me', but at the same time it is a tad sad, just knowing I'll never be the social butterfly I always hoped I'd transform into so I didn't have to deal with this crap anymore. But hey, I have to accept who I am. I may not have many close friends, but the people I am close to know just how much I adore them, because I only let the best of the best into my life. I may not ever understand the way most other people work and why they do the things they do, but I just need to realise that this is OKAY ! I don't have to understand everything. I just have to learn to be happy with what I do have, and what I do know and be able to admit when I don't know something.
This is all part of the chapter in my life I guess. I really hope this medication works, but at the same time I don't want to become too excited about the prospect of stability, just incase it doesn't happen. I also don't want to get my hopes too high, because I'm not so sure how I'll change yet. I'm told I'll still be moody, but the moods will be less severe. I might wake up and feel sad still, but it won't stop me from doing the things I have to do. I'll be 'functional'. I suppose that's all I can ask for.
Anyway, that's all I have to report today. I think I'd like to do my next blog on mental illness + parents, with fathers day coming up and all. Thanks for reading ! And as always, feel free to contact me. I don't bite <:D
<3
Aside from giving me a diagnosis and new treatment, the psychiatrist also cleared something up for me that I'd been worrying about for some time. When you're mentally ill, and have been so for some time, you begin to wonder what is 'you', and what is just a consequence or side effect of the mental illness. I was telling him how I'm incredibly quiet, have difficulty making friends, don't really feel very connected with people or have any common interests with them, and constantly find myself questioning peoples actions because I truly can't understand how they made such decisions and can live with themselves having done so. I thought this whole isolated, somewhat misanthropic behaviour was caused by my mood, mostly my depression, because when I'm manic I don't really give a shit. But apparently, nope ! I was informed that I have an 'outsider' personality, and that I will always be this way. I'm happy to know that what I was thinking and feeling was actually 'me', but at the same time it is a tad sad, just knowing I'll never be the social butterfly I always hoped I'd transform into so I didn't have to deal with this crap anymore. But hey, I have to accept who I am. I may not have many close friends, but the people I am close to know just how much I adore them, because I only let the best of the best into my life. I may not ever understand the way most other people work and why they do the things they do, but I just need to realise that this is OKAY ! I don't have to understand everything. I just have to learn to be happy with what I do have, and what I do know and be able to admit when I don't know something.
This is all part of the chapter in my life I guess. I really hope this medication works, but at the same time I don't want to become too excited about the prospect of stability, just incase it doesn't happen. I also don't want to get my hopes too high, because I'm not so sure how I'll change yet. I'm told I'll still be moody, but the moods will be less severe. I might wake up and feel sad still, but it won't stop me from doing the things I have to do. I'll be 'functional'. I suppose that's all I can ask for.
Anyway, that's all I have to report today. I think I'd like to do my next blog on mental illness + parents, with fathers day coming up and all. Thanks for reading ! And as always, feel free to contact me. I don't bite <:D
<3
Saturday, 27 August 2011
August 27, 2011.
This isn't really a blog about anything in particular. I just thought I'd write one because I've had a strange week and might have seemed kind of 'off'.
I guess Thursday was the worst day. I woke up in a really bad mood and it just got progressively worst and I was a grumpy, teary mess by lunch time. Work wasn't too bad - the best thing about my work is that you just sit down, do your work, and go home. There's no dealing with customers, which is great. That sounds awful I know, but there's nothing worse than feeling awful and having to go to work and put on a fake smile and ask people how they are, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball in some kind of quilt tent and cry until your eyes are swollen and have no more tears left.
I can't really remember Friday, which I think means I was in a good mood. Which brings us to today . . I dropped Morgan off at his dads and took my grandma out shopping because she was grumpy at my brother. I felt bad because I was meant to spend time with my dad and he seemed really sad, which made me feel awful. I always feel like my dad doesn't know how much I appreciate + love him. In any case, aside from making my dad sad, I feel okay today. I know I'll have a chance to have some drinks + hang out on Saturday night with him for Daddy's Day C:
I just wanted to clarify something. If I'm in a sad or angry mood, I'm not sad or angry at you. If I were, I'd tell you. So don't worry ! Don't constantly ask me what's wrong, either. Because most of the time I don't have a god damn clue what's wrong. I LOVE my life. I feel so incredibly lucky because I have everything I want and need (minus millions of dollars, but I'll deal with that). I have no real control over my mood. So when I say nothing is wrong, or I don't know what's wrong, I'm telling the truth ! If I look tired, or grumpy or I'm not talking much (when I usually do around you), don't worry. I'm having a bad day. The tablets I'm on currently mean one day might be bad, but the next day is okay. Usually the bad mood lasts weeks, so I understand why it might be strange now that my mood is constantly changing. But all I ask is that you don't interrogate me; it makes me feel 10000x worse.
The thing is. . I made this blog so I can tell people how I'm feeling because I HATE doing it in person. The internet has this comfortable sense of being impersonal, so I'm telling you how I feel without it feeling like I actually am. I hate constantly complaining about how I'm tired or how my bones hurt or how I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin at any second. I don't want to constantly talk about how I feel with the people I care about. I could spend all day telling you every single negative thought inside my head, but where would that get us ? I know how ridiculous most of them are as much as the next guy. I really rely on you guys to distract me from myself and make me laugh, cause that's why you're in my life ! I don't feel very human most the time, so I choose to surround myself with funny, happy, amazing people, because the people in my life are the only people who make me feel attached to this earth + to life.
So to the people in my life, thanks for 'putting up with me'. I know it's a challenge sometimes, but I hope you know that YOU are not the problem. I'm just going along, trying to make the best out of a sometimes bad situation, and I don't want you to worry. I'm not the giving up type (and as soon as I feel like I am, I go a-running to my mummy). Just put on a smile and make me giggle, because you being happy is the best thing you can do for me. When I want to complain, trust me, I'll do it (just ask Morgan !) but until then, let's get on with shit.
<3
I guess Thursday was the worst day. I woke up in a really bad mood and it just got progressively worst and I was a grumpy, teary mess by lunch time. Work wasn't too bad - the best thing about my work is that you just sit down, do your work, and go home. There's no dealing with customers, which is great. That sounds awful I know, but there's nothing worse than feeling awful and having to go to work and put on a fake smile and ask people how they are, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball in some kind of quilt tent and cry until your eyes are swollen and have no more tears left.
I can't really remember Friday, which I think means I was in a good mood. Which brings us to today . . I dropped Morgan off at his dads and took my grandma out shopping because she was grumpy at my brother. I felt bad because I was meant to spend time with my dad and he seemed really sad, which made me feel awful. I always feel like my dad doesn't know how much I appreciate + love him. In any case, aside from making my dad sad, I feel okay today. I know I'll have a chance to have some drinks + hang out on Saturday night with him for Daddy's Day C:
I just wanted to clarify something. If I'm in a sad or angry mood, I'm not sad or angry at you. If I were, I'd tell you. So don't worry ! Don't constantly ask me what's wrong, either. Because most of the time I don't have a god damn clue what's wrong. I LOVE my life. I feel so incredibly lucky because I have everything I want and need (minus millions of dollars, but I'll deal with that). I have no real control over my mood. So when I say nothing is wrong, or I don't know what's wrong, I'm telling the truth ! If I look tired, or grumpy or I'm not talking much (when I usually do around you), don't worry. I'm having a bad day. The tablets I'm on currently mean one day might be bad, but the next day is okay. Usually the bad mood lasts weeks, so I understand why it might be strange now that my mood is constantly changing. But all I ask is that you don't interrogate me; it makes me feel 10000x worse.
The thing is. . I made this blog so I can tell people how I'm feeling because I HATE doing it in person. The internet has this comfortable sense of being impersonal, so I'm telling you how I feel without it feeling like I actually am. I hate constantly complaining about how I'm tired or how my bones hurt or how I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin at any second. I don't want to constantly talk about how I feel with the people I care about. I could spend all day telling you every single negative thought inside my head, but where would that get us ? I know how ridiculous most of them are as much as the next guy. I really rely on you guys to distract me from myself and make me laugh, cause that's why you're in my life ! I don't feel very human most the time, so I choose to surround myself with funny, happy, amazing people, because the people in my life are the only people who make me feel attached to this earth + to life.
So to the people in my life, thanks for 'putting up with me'. I know it's a challenge sometimes, but I hope you know that YOU are not the problem. I'm just going along, trying to make the best out of a sometimes bad situation, and I don't want you to worry. I'm not the giving up type (and as soon as I feel like I am, I go a-running to my mummy). Just put on a smile and make me giggle, because you being happy is the best thing you can do for me. When I want to complain, trust me, I'll do it (just ask Morgan !) but until then, let's get on with shit.
<3
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Relationships + mental illness
So it's been a while ! First things first - I scored myself an appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks. I'm so happy I'm finally seeing a specialist and can take some real steps towards getting better.
But anyway, moving on. The point of this post is not to make it a sappy 'I love my boyfriend so much' blog, but I want to discuss some of the challenges I face when in a relationship. I won't be discussing previous relationships because a) I've changed a lot the past year or two and I really wouldn't be discussing the same 'me', and b) I would be really unhappy if I found out my ex's were discussing me and our past relationship to anyone who'd listen so it's just a 'treat other people how you want to be treated' sort of thing.
I'm currently in a relationship with this boy, Morgan, and have been for over a year and a half now. I think I'm with someone who fits my lifestyle and long term goals, we are so supportive of each other and just want each other to be happy. Having said that, I do have issues. Not that he has ever done anything wrong to me, but there are some things that I really struggle with.
To begin with, my jealousy is the biggest problem we face, and being jealous is just awful. Mostly during my 'down' moods, I feel really unlovable and feel generally bad about myself. When I'm in these moods I constantly think that he's going to find someone better who isn't so 'fat/ugly/stupid/boring/sooky/etc.' I don't really think it's an inherent insecurity per se, because I generally think I'm alright, and gosh, when I'm in an 'up' mood I'm the number one member of the Bianca fan club and don't think Morgan would ever leave me or cheat on me. It's just these stupid 'down' moods that make me question everything and draw negative conclusions, and Morgan has to suffer through having a girlfriend who is bothered by things she usually isn't.
My mood swings are also a huge problem, but I try to protect Morgan from them. When I'm sad, I just go to bed and sleep a lot. When I'm in an 'up' crazy mood, I go to my parents and can act really silly and no one bats an eyelash because there are so many people there, and my family are used to my silliness. But sometimes, they can be unexpected and then I worry he feels like he has to look after me. There have been nights where I'll go to bed early because I'm sad and then come back out of our room hours later crying my eyes out and telling him I want to die. And so, he carries me back to bed, tells me he loves me and rocks me to sleep, and I usually wake up in a slightly better mood. Other times I will be so irritated at nothing in particular, and get angry because he's tying up his shoes too slowly or something. It's so unpredictable but usually, as I said, I try and stop and think what I'm doing because I really don't want to do anything to push him away.
My general motivation in life also ties in with my mood swings. When I'm sad, I'll have to force myself to get out of bed to go to uni and work, and at timesI don't manage to do so and just stay in bed. I think it must be really frustrating for him because there is nothing he can do to make me feel any better, he just has to watch me sleep my days away or drag myself around in a somewhat zombie like state until I eventually feel better.
Another aspect of my mental illness that I think is frustrating for him is the physical aspects of being sick. I constantly have headaches, pain in my joints, sore muscles, and I am usually ridiculously tired all the time. He's constantly reminding me to take panamax or ibuprofen but I've given up on those drugs for most of the part. If I take a lot, the headaches go away, but nothing else does. So basically I'm often lying around with some kind of ailment and there's nothing anyone can do about it and it's often frustrating to watch (I imagine).
So basically, the hardest part about being with someone with a mental illness, or atleast the mental illness I have, is nothing is really predictable. My moods and thoughts are independent of what is happening in my life and aren't easy to change, so whoever is around me basically has to get used to it. It's important to note that I'm incredibly lucky to have a partner who is so supportive of me, and, well, 'puts up with me' during the bad times, because the good times we have are amazing. I think at the end of the day he knows how much he means to me and I'm pretty darn sure I mean a lot to him. Many people aren't so lucky - many people with mental illness either end up with someone who takes advantage of their vulnerable mental state and hurts them (physically, emotionally, etc) or they end up with someone who loves them but due to being mentally ill, end up driving their partner absolutely crazy. If you have a mental illness and you are in a relationship, COMMUNICATE ! Tell them how you feel, talk them through why you do the things you do and if you don't know just tell them that. Try and get help too ! It's better being with someone who is struggling but doing everything in their power to get better than someone who sits around crying or complaining and doesn't do anything about it. Because really - it does get better. Pre-medication Bianca around my first major depressive episode and medicated Bianca as of now are completely different, and no, not every day is smooth sailing but I know there is hope and I look forward to the future. And I look forward to building my future with Morgan because I know just how lucky we are to have found each other.
<3
But anyway, moving on. The point of this post is not to make it a sappy 'I love my boyfriend so much' blog, but I want to discuss some of the challenges I face when in a relationship. I won't be discussing previous relationships because a) I've changed a lot the past year or two and I really wouldn't be discussing the same 'me', and b) I would be really unhappy if I found out my ex's were discussing me and our past relationship to anyone who'd listen so it's just a 'treat other people how you want to be treated' sort of thing.
I'm currently in a relationship with this boy, Morgan, and have been for over a year and a half now. I think I'm with someone who fits my lifestyle and long term goals, we are so supportive of each other and just want each other to be happy. Having said that, I do have issues. Not that he has ever done anything wrong to me, but there are some things that I really struggle with.
To begin with, my jealousy is the biggest problem we face, and being jealous is just awful. Mostly during my 'down' moods, I feel really unlovable and feel generally bad about myself. When I'm in these moods I constantly think that he's going to find someone better who isn't so 'fat/ugly/stupid/boring/sooky/etc.' I don't really think it's an inherent insecurity per se, because I generally think I'm alright, and gosh, when I'm in an 'up' mood I'm the number one member of the Bianca fan club and don't think Morgan would ever leave me or cheat on me. It's just these stupid 'down' moods that make me question everything and draw negative conclusions, and Morgan has to suffer through having a girlfriend who is bothered by things she usually isn't.
My mood swings are also a huge problem, but I try to protect Morgan from them. When I'm sad, I just go to bed and sleep a lot. When I'm in an 'up' crazy mood, I go to my parents and can act really silly and no one bats an eyelash because there are so many people there, and my family are used to my silliness. But sometimes, they can be unexpected and then I worry he feels like he has to look after me. There have been nights where I'll go to bed early because I'm sad and then come back out of our room hours later crying my eyes out and telling him I want to die. And so, he carries me back to bed, tells me he loves me and rocks me to sleep, and I usually wake up in a slightly better mood. Other times I will be so irritated at nothing in particular, and get angry because he's tying up his shoes too slowly or something. It's so unpredictable but usually, as I said, I try and stop and think what I'm doing because I really don't want to do anything to push him away.
My general motivation in life also ties in with my mood swings. When I'm sad, I'll have to force myself to get out of bed to go to uni and work, and at timesI don't manage to do so and just stay in bed. I think it must be really frustrating for him because there is nothing he can do to make me feel any better, he just has to watch me sleep my days away or drag myself around in a somewhat zombie like state until I eventually feel better.
Another aspect of my mental illness that I think is frustrating for him is the physical aspects of being sick. I constantly have headaches, pain in my joints, sore muscles, and I am usually ridiculously tired all the time. He's constantly reminding me to take panamax or ibuprofen but I've given up on those drugs for most of the part. If I take a lot, the headaches go away, but nothing else does. So basically I'm often lying around with some kind of ailment and there's nothing anyone can do about it and it's often frustrating to watch (I imagine).
So basically, the hardest part about being with someone with a mental illness, or atleast the mental illness I have, is nothing is really predictable. My moods and thoughts are independent of what is happening in my life and aren't easy to change, so whoever is around me basically has to get used to it. It's important to note that I'm incredibly lucky to have a partner who is so supportive of me, and, well, 'puts up with me' during the bad times, because the good times we have are amazing. I think at the end of the day he knows how much he means to me and I'm pretty darn sure I mean a lot to him. Many people aren't so lucky - many people with mental illness either end up with someone who takes advantage of their vulnerable mental state and hurts them (physically, emotionally, etc) or they end up with someone who loves them but due to being mentally ill, end up driving their partner absolutely crazy. If you have a mental illness and you are in a relationship, COMMUNICATE ! Tell them how you feel, talk them through why you do the things you do and if you don't know just tell them that. Try and get help too ! It's better being with someone who is struggling but doing everything in their power to get better than someone who sits around crying or complaining and doesn't do anything about it. Because really - it does get better. Pre-medication Bianca around my first major depressive episode and medicated Bianca as of now are completely different, and no, not every day is smooth sailing but I know there is hope and I look forward to the future. And I look forward to building my future with Morgan because I know just how lucky we are to have found each other.
<3
Friday, 12 August 2011
Medication + Mental Illness
One of the biggest misconceptions about mental illness is medication. This isn't a psychiatry or pharmacology lecture, so I won't be detailing the physiological causes of mental illness, and I won't be discussing how it's believed that medication works - because unfortunately, we don't really know. Basically what scientists think is that there are chemical irregularities in the brain, and certain medications cause changes in the brain that counteract depression in about 2/3 people. But if you do want some kind of background, feel free to message me or inbox me on facebook, I'm fairly well researched in this topic.
In this blog I'm going to be talking about the antidepressant drugs I've been prescribed in the past and how they've worked for me. The thing is, I've already mentioned that my diagnosis was bipolar disorder, which is usually treated with mood stabilizers, NOT antidepressants. Unfortunately, no intelligent GP will prescribe these mood stabilizing drugs because the levels in the body have to be kept within a very specific range and require specialist supervision. . which is why I'm waiting for that psychiatrist appointment ! I'm just on antidepressants currently to take the edge off the negative symptoms I have, the 'downs' I mentioned in my last blog.
The thing about antidepressants is, they are only really useful in people who have severe depression. People with mild to moderate depression are usually people who are experiencing some kind of traumatic event in life and benefit greatly from psychologists + counselors to help them deal with their problem. But for us 'chemically irregular' mentally ill folk, talking about our problems doesn't fix much - mostly because we don't know why we're sad or angry or demotivated or whatever is going on. Also, before I get started I just want to make a point of saying these drugs work differently for everyone, and I can only document my personal experiences with them. You could give someone else the same drug and it could have a completely different effect, so this isn't really a drug review per se.
ENDEP (AMITRIPTYLINE); I was prescribed this drug before I was actually diagnosed with anything. I just went to the doctor because the pain I experience and the insomnia I was experiencing were driving me CRAZY. So I was prescribed this drug to help me sleep, and boy did it work. Infact, it worked so well that staying awake soon became the problem. There were other side effects too - having a dry mouth half the time was fairly annoying but tolerable. However, the hunger was pretty irritating. And when I say hunger I don't mean 'I'll sit in front of the television with some BBQ shapes', I mean this kind of hunger where I was waiting for people to leave the room so I could gnaw on the furniture in peace. It was awful. I definitely gained a few kilograms in a few weeks. So my friendship with endep was short lived, however my emotional problems were becoming far worse, so I was off to the doctor again.
CYMBALTA (DULOEXTINE); My doctor diagnosed me with bipolar and prescribed me these drugs + regular visits to the psychologist. The psychologist was a lovely lady - but when you don't know why you feel the way you do, and external events have no impact on your internal thinking/moods/etc, then there wasn't a lot she could do. So it was just me and the drugs after that. Cymbalta is from a different class of antidepressant to endep, which is why it had very different side effects. The dry mouth was there, plus nausea and insomnia for the first few days. After that subsided, I had reduced appetite, so I lost weight really easily. It took away my physical pain and helped me sleep. Unfortunately, again I was sleeping too much. I persevered with drugs for about 6 months before I threw in the towel. They did take the edge off life so to speak - the sad days weren't as crippling, the ups were more frequent. . but the fatigue wasn't worth it. By now my doctor had entered some kind of unofficial semi-retirement so I found a new GP and she helped me taper down the dose. You never go off antidepressants cold turkey - and with good reason. Even with tapering down the dose slowly I felt like I had the flu for about 2 weeks, plus I was frequently experiencing this phenomena we in the industry call 'brain zaps'. Ever been really drunk and turned your head too fast, and you experienced 2 seconds of intense dizziness ? It's like that, plus this weird jolt feeling to your brain. They sound fun but they're awful, and they were happening every few minutes. Anyway, my doctor made me fill out this form with all these questions to calculate a depression+anxiety+etc. rating. I went back to see her a few weeks later + answered the same questions. Unfortunately my scores had doubled (=a bad thing) so I was put on new drugs.
EFFEXOR (VENLAFAXINE); Effexor is amazing, really. I had the whole nausea and insomnia thing to begin with, but then this really strange thing happened. I was sitting at work one night thinking about something really cute morgan did when we first started seeing each other, and I felt this weird feeling in my chest. My heart actually felt all warm and ticklish. I figured this must be what love feels like, and boy, it feels nice ! My mood improved quickly in the first fortnight, for the first time in a long time I felt really, really good. Unfortunately, like cymbalta + endep, the sleepiness was a problem. I had zero energy, and would mentally rate how good days were by how often / how long I could nap for. One time, I was so tired I couldn't even be bothered moving my tongue when I spoke. I went back to my GP and she said that unfortunately, we should move on to a new drug. I was quite sad, my friendship with effexor was over so soon, and it was so promising ! But at the end of the day, what's the point in being happy when you're only awake for less than 8 hours ? I was told 3 days cold turkey, and then onto the new drug. I felt like I had the flu again, but the brain zaps weren't so bad. However, I was an emotional wreck. I even yelled at my dad, which made me feel awful. . I never yell at my dad :C
LEXAPRO (ESCITALOPRAM OXALATE); This is the drug I've been taking for the past two days (just half the recommended dose to warm up). To be fair, that isn't really enough time to make an accurate assessment on how it's going to go, but already my sleepiness has reduced drastically. In fact, today I forced myself to take a nap because I got so bored ! I'm not used to being awake this much and I'm just starting to realise how many god damn hours there are in the day. . My mood is slightly better but still recovering from the whole cold turkey thing.
That basically brings us up to speed with my medication history ! It really frustrates me that people think antidepressants are just these happy pills for sooky people. They don't even work on non-depressed people, and the people who are sincerely depressed experience so many side effects and may not even end up happy. Sometimes these drugs just work to numb you, and then you have to decide what is worse - feeling sad most of the time or feeling nothing at all. They can help make you happy but that depends on the individuals brain chemistry, and it's also a matter of finding the right drug, which can put your body through hell and back. Some people don't agree with the use of antidepressants but at the end of the day, if you had a headache you'd take panadol, why wouldn't you treat major depression + other mental illnesses ? They're no different.
So to summarise !
a) kids, become public health system psychiatrists. WE NEED YOU.
b) antidepressants are recommended for the severely depressed only - they are ineffective on people with mild to moderate depression.
c) They're not just 'happy pills' - they have plenty of awful side effects and aren't just a quick fix.
Hopefully you enjoyed reading + learnt something new. I haven't really decided what my next blog will be on, but I'm thinking relationships + mental illness, just to highlight to everyone what my poor boyfriend puts up with + why I can be so hard to live with. If anyone has a request for a topic they'd like instead, let me know ! I'm doing it to provide information to you guys !
<3
In this blog I'm going to be talking about the antidepressant drugs I've been prescribed in the past and how they've worked for me. The thing is, I've already mentioned that my diagnosis was bipolar disorder, which is usually treated with mood stabilizers, NOT antidepressants. Unfortunately, no intelligent GP will prescribe these mood stabilizing drugs because the levels in the body have to be kept within a very specific range and require specialist supervision. . which is why I'm waiting for that psychiatrist appointment ! I'm just on antidepressants currently to take the edge off the negative symptoms I have, the 'downs' I mentioned in my last blog.
The thing about antidepressants is, they are only really useful in people who have severe depression. People with mild to moderate depression are usually people who are experiencing some kind of traumatic event in life and benefit greatly from psychologists + counselors to help them deal with their problem. But for us 'chemically irregular' mentally ill folk, talking about our problems doesn't fix much - mostly because we don't know why we're sad or angry or demotivated or whatever is going on. Also, before I get started I just want to make a point of saying these drugs work differently for everyone, and I can only document my personal experiences with them. You could give someone else the same drug and it could have a completely different effect, so this isn't really a drug review per se.
ENDEP (AMITRIPTYLINE); I was prescribed this drug before I was actually diagnosed with anything. I just went to the doctor because the pain I experience and the insomnia I was experiencing were driving me CRAZY. So I was prescribed this drug to help me sleep, and boy did it work. Infact, it worked so well that staying awake soon became the problem. There were other side effects too - having a dry mouth half the time was fairly annoying but tolerable. However, the hunger was pretty irritating. And when I say hunger I don't mean 'I'll sit in front of the television with some BBQ shapes', I mean this kind of hunger where I was waiting for people to leave the room so I could gnaw on the furniture in peace. It was awful. I definitely gained a few kilograms in a few weeks. So my friendship with endep was short lived, however my emotional problems were becoming far worse, so I was off to the doctor again.
CYMBALTA (DULOEXTINE); My doctor diagnosed me with bipolar and prescribed me these drugs + regular visits to the psychologist. The psychologist was a lovely lady - but when you don't know why you feel the way you do, and external events have no impact on your internal thinking/moods/etc, then there wasn't a lot she could do. So it was just me and the drugs after that. Cymbalta is from a different class of antidepressant to endep, which is why it had very different side effects. The dry mouth was there, plus nausea and insomnia for the first few days. After that subsided, I had reduced appetite, so I lost weight really easily. It took away my physical pain and helped me sleep. Unfortunately, again I was sleeping too much. I persevered with drugs for about 6 months before I threw in the towel. They did take the edge off life so to speak - the sad days weren't as crippling, the ups were more frequent. . but the fatigue wasn't worth it. By now my doctor had entered some kind of unofficial semi-retirement so I found a new GP and she helped me taper down the dose. You never go off antidepressants cold turkey - and with good reason. Even with tapering down the dose slowly I felt like I had the flu for about 2 weeks, plus I was frequently experiencing this phenomena we in the industry call 'brain zaps'. Ever been really drunk and turned your head too fast, and you experienced 2 seconds of intense dizziness ? It's like that, plus this weird jolt feeling to your brain. They sound fun but they're awful, and they were happening every few minutes. Anyway, my doctor made me fill out this form with all these questions to calculate a depression+anxiety+etc. rating. I went back to see her a few weeks later + answered the same questions. Unfortunately my scores had doubled (=a bad thing) so I was put on new drugs.
EFFEXOR (VENLAFAXINE); Effexor is amazing, really. I had the whole nausea and insomnia thing to begin with, but then this really strange thing happened. I was sitting at work one night thinking about something really cute morgan did when we first started seeing each other, and I felt this weird feeling in my chest. My heart actually felt all warm and ticklish. I figured this must be what love feels like, and boy, it feels nice ! My mood improved quickly in the first fortnight, for the first time in a long time I felt really, really good. Unfortunately, like cymbalta + endep, the sleepiness was a problem. I had zero energy, and would mentally rate how good days were by how often / how long I could nap for. One time, I was so tired I couldn't even be bothered moving my tongue when I spoke. I went back to my GP and she said that unfortunately, we should move on to a new drug. I was quite sad, my friendship with effexor was over so soon, and it was so promising ! But at the end of the day, what's the point in being happy when you're only awake for less than 8 hours ? I was told 3 days cold turkey, and then onto the new drug. I felt like I had the flu again, but the brain zaps weren't so bad. However, I was an emotional wreck. I even yelled at my dad, which made me feel awful. . I never yell at my dad :C
LEXAPRO (ESCITALOPRAM OXALATE); This is the drug I've been taking for the past two days (just half the recommended dose to warm up). To be fair, that isn't really enough time to make an accurate assessment on how it's going to go, but already my sleepiness has reduced drastically. In fact, today I forced myself to take a nap because I got so bored ! I'm not used to being awake this much and I'm just starting to realise how many god damn hours there are in the day. . My mood is slightly better but still recovering from the whole cold turkey thing.
That basically brings us up to speed with my medication history ! It really frustrates me that people think antidepressants are just these happy pills for sooky people. They don't even work on non-depressed people, and the people who are sincerely depressed experience so many side effects and may not even end up happy. Sometimes these drugs just work to numb you, and then you have to decide what is worse - feeling sad most of the time or feeling nothing at all. They can help make you happy but that depends on the individuals brain chemistry, and it's also a matter of finding the right drug, which can put your body through hell and back. Some people don't agree with the use of antidepressants but at the end of the day, if you had a headache you'd take panadol, why wouldn't you treat major depression + other mental illnesses ? They're no different.
So to summarise !
a) kids, become public health system psychiatrists. WE NEED YOU.
b) antidepressants are recommended for the severely depressed only - they are ineffective on people with mild to moderate depression.
c) They're not just 'happy pills' - they have plenty of awful side effects and aren't just a quick fix.
Hopefully you enjoyed reading + learnt something new. I haven't really decided what my next blog will be on, but I'm thinking relationships + mental illness, just to highlight to everyone what my poor boyfriend puts up with + why I can be so hard to live with. If anyone has a request for a topic they'd like instead, let me know ! I'm doing it to provide information to you guys !
<3
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