Well just thought I'd write a new blog post to distract myself from how I feel right now. . A huge problem I've had for a couple of years now is restlessness - not just normal restlessness, but an intense feeling of crawling under my skin, kind of IN my knees and elbows, where I am often left jumping and running around to try and get rid of it (it sounds weird but it FEELS like it will work) and scratching my joints to pieces. My psychiatrist has been adjusting my medication a bunch (and by adjusting I mean increasing), but it only feels like it's getting worse. By friday afternoon I was ready to smash my knees in with a hammer, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I've had to take more valium than usual because it's the only thing that really works to help calm me down and dull the feeling which isn't something I really want to do.
Which is why I'd like to ask you guys - has anyone experienced this symptom, known as akathisia ? I have it in mostly my knees and elbows, and I'm currently on 1.5g of valproate, 20mg of paxtine and (when needed) 5mg of valium daily. If anyone out there has experienced it and had it treated, what did your doctor use ? I really, really can't stand this much longer.
HELP ME !
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Friday, 20 January 2012
January 21, 2012
Hi everyone !
WOW. So much has gone on since I last wrote a blog post >.< I guess from the psychiatry side of things, I was feeling pretty god damn sleepy again for a while there, after christmas and over new years. When I say sleepy I mean physically tired, but also low on motivation, generally couldn't make myself do very much at all. Early january I met my new, permanent psychiatrist who is a really lovely man and he decided that while valproate is the best stabilizer for me at the moment, I need an antidepressant added to the mix. He prescribed me Aropax, which is an antidepressant designed to target panic attacks aswell as I suffer from them so frequently and without reason and I have to say, it's working quite well. I no longer take naps during the day and my appetite is surpressed which is good as valproate was making me gain weight D: I have to see him again monday to note my progress so I will let you know how that goes :)
Also in early january I saw a rheumatologist about the joint pain I was getting, and he ordered a bunch of blood tests + put me on some medication for lupus/arthritis called Plaquenil. The medication has settled my joints but it really hurts my stomach, unfortunately. . I feel nauseas for a few hours after I take it, and I'm meant to take it twice a day D: I have to see him again in february to get my results back and a proper diagnosis so hopefully he can change the medicine then because I don't really want to keep on taking it.
Last weekend Morgan, my beautiful sister Shelby and I took a road trip to Melbourne to see our friends, Harry, Ned and Mikhail for a couple of days. It was an awesome time to just hang out and relax, get away from work + stress and have a good time. I got lots of rest which was good as I've been suffering from a lot of stomach related side effects from Plaquenil. We also had a mini party on saturday night and it was super fun ! I can't wait to go back and hang out with them again :)
Finally I guess I should mention what has been happening over the last few days. I had a small surgical procedure on wednesday morning, and I don't really want to talk about what procedure it was or why, because while I am very open on this blog, it's not really related to my mental health and it's just very personal. TOO personal. In any case, it was just meant to be a small day surgery and I was meant to be home that afternoon. My fear of needles made getting the drip put in the most disgusting, awful thing ever but I survived and was knocked out straight away anyway. The surgery went well and my parents picked me up with a big plush elephant for me, which was so cute of them ! Unfortunately the few hours I was home for I lost a huge amount of blood and eventually collapsed on my way to the area of the hospital I had to go, which was really scary. I was whisked away and taken straight to a bed with another huge drip put in me, blood taken, fluids given, etc. I had to stay overnight because the doctor wanted to operate again the next morning but when the time came he decided the bleeding had stopped enough for me to go home with no further surgery, thank god.
I guess the main point I wanted to make was, I really thought I was going to die in a hospital corridor.. It really puts things into perspective. Not only do I feel so much more appreciative of everyone in my life, but god, they have been so good to me. Everyone has been running around worrying about me, my family have been making sure I've had everything I need, it's been so sweet. The afternoon I was admitted to hospital and they put this giant drip into my arm I was crying so much and my mum was hugging me and stroking my hair.. I could have never done it without her there. And as soon as Morgan finished work and found out where I was he rushed over to see me with doritos and trashy magazines, what a catch he is ! So yes - don't wait until something bad happens to tell people how much they mean to you. Appreciate all the amazing people in your life every second you can !
<3 B
WOW. So much has gone on since I last wrote a blog post >.< I guess from the psychiatry side of things, I was feeling pretty god damn sleepy again for a while there, after christmas and over new years. When I say sleepy I mean physically tired, but also low on motivation, generally couldn't make myself do very much at all. Early january I met my new, permanent psychiatrist who is a really lovely man and he decided that while valproate is the best stabilizer for me at the moment, I need an antidepressant added to the mix. He prescribed me Aropax, which is an antidepressant designed to target panic attacks aswell as I suffer from them so frequently and without reason and I have to say, it's working quite well. I no longer take naps during the day and my appetite is surpressed which is good as valproate was making me gain weight D: I have to see him again monday to note my progress so I will let you know how that goes :)
Also in early january I saw a rheumatologist about the joint pain I was getting, and he ordered a bunch of blood tests + put me on some medication for lupus/arthritis called Plaquenil. The medication has settled my joints but it really hurts my stomach, unfortunately. . I feel nauseas for a few hours after I take it, and I'm meant to take it twice a day D: I have to see him again in february to get my results back and a proper diagnosis so hopefully he can change the medicine then because I don't really want to keep on taking it.
Last weekend Morgan, my beautiful sister Shelby and I took a road trip to Melbourne to see our friends, Harry, Ned and Mikhail for a couple of days. It was an awesome time to just hang out and relax, get away from work + stress and have a good time. I got lots of rest which was good as I've been suffering from a lot of stomach related side effects from Plaquenil. We also had a mini party on saturday night and it was super fun ! I can't wait to go back and hang out with them again :)
Finally I guess I should mention what has been happening over the last few days. I had a small surgical procedure on wednesday morning, and I don't really want to talk about what procedure it was or why, because while I am very open on this blog, it's not really related to my mental health and it's just very personal. TOO personal. In any case, it was just meant to be a small day surgery and I was meant to be home that afternoon. My fear of needles made getting the drip put in the most disgusting, awful thing ever but I survived and was knocked out straight away anyway. The surgery went well and my parents picked me up with a big plush elephant for me, which was so cute of them ! Unfortunately the few hours I was home for I lost a huge amount of blood and eventually collapsed on my way to the area of the hospital I had to go, which was really scary. I was whisked away and taken straight to a bed with another huge drip put in me, blood taken, fluids given, etc. I had to stay overnight because the doctor wanted to operate again the next morning but when the time came he decided the bleeding had stopped enough for me to go home with no further surgery, thank god.
I guess the main point I wanted to make was, I really thought I was going to die in a hospital corridor.. It really puts things into perspective. Not only do I feel so much more appreciative of everyone in my life, but god, they have been so good to me. Everyone has been running around worrying about me, my family have been making sure I've had everything I need, it's been so sweet. The afternoon I was admitted to hospital and they put this giant drip into my arm I was crying so much and my mum was hugging me and stroking my hair.. I could have never done it without her there. And as soon as Morgan finished work and found out where I was he rushed over to see me with doritos and trashy magazines, what a catch he is ! So yes - don't wait until something bad happens to tell people how much they mean to you. Appreciate all the amazing people in your life every second you can !
<3 B
Friday, 23 December 2011
December 23, 2011
Just figured I'd update my blog because I'm really bored currently and haven't for ages and ages !
I suppose the most significant things that have happened recently were that I finished university + passed all my topics, and my 21st birthday. So I'll just ramble about those things for awhile.
University - I'm sure going to miss that place. I'll miss learning in a structured environment, but hey, I can always continue with my own studying. I've been working about 4 days a week lately which has been okay really, better than I expected. When I was studying I always wondered how the hell I was going to work full time when I found working just 2 days a week draining and stressful ! However, with no university to worry about, it's going okay and I'm looking forward to having lots of money when I pay off all my christmas debts :)
My 21st birthday was pretty quiet. . . As I don't drink alcohol anymore I wasn't in a particularly party mood, but having my family over was nice and everyone gave me such great gifts + money for a tattoo I want which is awesome. I kind of thought I'd feel more grown up or something, I'm not sure why, I've never felt different on any other birthday, but this one is meant to be important or something.
I suppose in some ways my birthday has changed my thinking - next year I really want to get my health on track. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist about my constant joint pain, and I'm not sure if my fatigue and headaches might go with whatever is causing that (if anything). I've also found myself a permanent psychiatrist, who I'm hoping can help me with something to feel a bit better about my weight because it's really worrying me and making me sad lately. I know I don't look over weight or anything, but after putting so much effort into losing weight in the first place, putting most of it back on is really frustrating and I feel so out of control of myself. I'd love to get back into exercise too when I'm not so damn tired all the time. I'm just frustrated because I don't know if there is something wrong with me or it's my medication so I don't know how to help myself.
I suppose on the topic of my bipolar I have to say my moods have been pretty good lately, I've been really happy aside from the last day or two when I've felt so grumpy and sad for no reason, but hopefully christmas will be enough to drag me out of this slump. I also got my cheeks pierced today which made me feel better - i love facing my fears ! I was so god damn nervous but having my mum there with me made me feel better and it went really well :D
Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say. Sorry it wasn't a very interesting post tonight - just wanted everyone to know I'm still alive.
<3
I suppose the most significant things that have happened recently were that I finished university + passed all my topics, and my 21st birthday. So I'll just ramble about those things for awhile.
University - I'm sure going to miss that place. I'll miss learning in a structured environment, but hey, I can always continue with my own studying. I've been working about 4 days a week lately which has been okay really, better than I expected. When I was studying I always wondered how the hell I was going to work full time when I found working just 2 days a week draining and stressful ! However, with no university to worry about, it's going okay and I'm looking forward to having lots of money when I pay off all my christmas debts :)
My 21st birthday was pretty quiet. . . As I don't drink alcohol anymore I wasn't in a particularly party mood, but having my family over was nice and everyone gave me such great gifts + money for a tattoo I want which is awesome. I kind of thought I'd feel more grown up or something, I'm not sure why, I've never felt different on any other birthday, but this one is meant to be important or something.
I suppose in some ways my birthday has changed my thinking - next year I really want to get my health on track. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist about my constant joint pain, and I'm not sure if my fatigue and headaches might go with whatever is causing that (if anything). I've also found myself a permanent psychiatrist, who I'm hoping can help me with something to feel a bit better about my weight because it's really worrying me and making me sad lately. I know I don't look over weight or anything, but after putting so much effort into losing weight in the first place, putting most of it back on is really frustrating and I feel so out of control of myself. I'd love to get back into exercise too when I'm not so damn tired all the time. I'm just frustrated because I don't know if there is something wrong with me or it's my medication so I don't know how to help myself.
I suppose on the topic of my bipolar I have to say my moods have been pretty good lately, I've been really happy aside from the last day or two when I've felt so grumpy and sad for no reason, but hopefully christmas will be enough to drag me out of this slump. I also got my cheeks pierced today which made me feel better - i love facing my fears ! I was so god damn nervous but having my mum there with me made me feel better and it went really well :D
Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say. Sorry it wasn't a very interesting post tonight - just wanted everyone to know I'm still alive.
<3
Saturday, 19 November 2011
November 20, 2011
Figured I'd write a post before I finish exams because I can't study tonight, my head is too messed up..
I may or may not have mentioned in earlier posts how I often feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. . I obviously know there aren't bugs under my skin, but it's the only way to describe the kind of itchy, tingly sensation I feel. It's mostly in my joints, like my elbows, knees, finger joints and toe joints, but a tiny bit in my arm and leg bones too. I'm used to it mostly, but when I'm having a panic attack the feeling is far worse and today, I assume to the extra stressor of exams being added to my life, it was the worst it's ever been. I couldn't stop scratching my skin and was so panicked and agitated, I felt like it would feel like this forever. Morgan drove me to the doctor and he gave me some valium to help calm me down, but suggested I go back to a psychiatrist for a longer term solution because valium can be a yucky addictive drug.
It kind of pisses me off because I thought it would be like 'you have bipolar, take this and you'll feel normal', but it isn't. The mood swings went away, but the anxiety got worse, tried to treat the anxiety, and now I just get random panic attacks with weird paresthesia. I'm sick of there always being SOMETHING. Hopefully this is the last of it. . Aside from that occurring, I actually woke up in a really good mood today and lately have been feeling really positive about life. Just feels like as soon as I start feeling good, something bad happens so I'm just re-affirming that I should always expect the worst and it's not the way I want to live but I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter. Every time I try and be positive the world gives me a better reason to be negative.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when exams are over and I enter december, my happiest time of the year !
I may or may not have mentioned in earlier posts how I often feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. . I obviously know there aren't bugs under my skin, but it's the only way to describe the kind of itchy, tingly sensation I feel. It's mostly in my joints, like my elbows, knees, finger joints and toe joints, but a tiny bit in my arm and leg bones too. I'm used to it mostly, but when I'm having a panic attack the feeling is far worse and today, I assume to the extra stressor of exams being added to my life, it was the worst it's ever been. I couldn't stop scratching my skin and was so panicked and agitated, I felt like it would feel like this forever. Morgan drove me to the doctor and he gave me some valium to help calm me down, but suggested I go back to a psychiatrist for a longer term solution because valium can be a yucky addictive drug.
It kind of pisses me off because I thought it would be like 'you have bipolar, take this and you'll feel normal', but it isn't. The mood swings went away, but the anxiety got worse, tried to treat the anxiety, and now I just get random panic attacks with weird paresthesia. I'm sick of there always being SOMETHING. Hopefully this is the last of it. . Aside from that occurring, I actually woke up in a really good mood today and lately have been feeling really positive about life. Just feels like as soon as I start feeling good, something bad happens so I'm just re-affirming that I should always expect the worst and it's not the way I want to live but I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter. Every time I try and be positive the world gives me a better reason to be negative.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel when exams are over and I enter december, my happiest time of the year !
Monday, 31 October 2011
November 1, 2011
Hi everyone !
Just thought I'd write another blog now because with exams fast approaching I won't have time over the next month or so.
A recent problem I've been having is with anxiety. When I was on anti-depressants my moods were all over the place, but I wasn't as anxious as before, however; since being off of them I've had random panic attacks. They usually occur in clusters; I'll just have a day or two a week where I am constantly ready to drop to the ground in the foetal position because of a random panic attack. . All I can think is 'I've got to get out of here' and get terrible abdominal cramps, a tight feeling in my chest and throat, I feel like I'm 'zoning out' (kind of like that whole 'white light + can't hear your surroundings properly' thing before you pass out. Anyway, it was getting to be quite a problem, especially at work and uni. . So my doctor told me to go back on the last type of anti-depressants I was on, lexapro. To be honest, while it IS another pill to have to remember to take, I'm not too bothered because I didn't really have any terrible side effects from that one and it helped me lose weight/maintain weight.
WHICH REMINDS ME ! I was warned valproate caused weight gain in some people when I first started taking it, but as I'd lost some weight over the past year I thought it wouldn't affect me because I usually eat reasonably well and do a lot of incidental exercise. Well, I was wrong. Over the course of two or so days my daily hunger levels went from minimal (I don't usually eat much) to almost uncontrollable. So so so hungry all the time, and I put on like 3 kilos in 2 weeks D: I'm kind of vain in that the idea of gaining weight is just a huge fear I have, and after putting in so much effort to lose 10 kilos, regaining 3 was a bit of a kick in the teeth. So I've kind of had to go back to extremely healthy eating and purposely exercising, which I obviously don't LOVE the idea of, but I've already lost one of those three kilos I put back on so I hope the others go away soon too, and I kind of hope lexapro helps with that. . But we shall see !
As I was saying in the first sentence, exams soon ! This is very exciting for me; nothing compares to the amazing feeling walking out of an exam knowing a topic is COMPLETE. This is my last year of university, and I'm just wrapping up my last semester, just handed in my last assignment, feels crazy, really does. Managing to work next year is going to be a whole new adventure. I honestly don't think I can work full time, I don't think I'm either stable enough, or perhaps I'm just not like normal people who can force themselves to go to work. It's incredibly stressful for me and I don't enjoy pressure. Luckily I do have a great boss and considering where I could be working, I do love my job.. It just IS stressful. Mistakes get noticed, and can seriously affect people (I work in a pathology company), and it worries me of what could happen if I screw up. I know most other people who work there don't worry about it as much as me, but my personality is such that I am terrified of making a mistake or being seen as stupid. I'm going to work 3 days a week over the holidays and see how I go, and like I said, my boss is so understanding.. She knows all about my problems and is a really caring person so I'm hoping it goes well :)
As usual, any questions - feel free to contact me. Or give me ideas of things to write about ! I'm running out D: Thanks for reading !
<3
Just thought I'd write another blog now because with exams fast approaching I won't have time over the next month or so.
A recent problem I've been having is with anxiety. When I was on anti-depressants my moods were all over the place, but I wasn't as anxious as before, however; since being off of them I've had random panic attacks. They usually occur in clusters; I'll just have a day or two a week where I am constantly ready to drop to the ground in the foetal position because of a random panic attack. . All I can think is 'I've got to get out of here' and get terrible abdominal cramps, a tight feeling in my chest and throat, I feel like I'm 'zoning out' (kind of like that whole 'white light + can't hear your surroundings properly' thing before you pass out. Anyway, it was getting to be quite a problem, especially at work and uni. . So my doctor told me to go back on the last type of anti-depressants I was on, lexapro. To be honest, while it IS another pill to have to remember to take, I'm not too bothered because I didn't really have any terrible side effects from that one and it helped me lose weight/maintain weight.
WHICH REMINDS ME ! I was warned valproate caused weight gain in some people when I first started taking it, but as I'd lost some weight over the past year I thought it wouldn't affect me because I usually eat reasonably well and do a lot of incidental exercise. Well, I was wrong. Over the course of two or so days my daily hunger levels went from minimal (I don't usually eat much) to almost uncontrollable. So so so hungry all the time, and I put on like 3 kilos in 2 weeks D: I'm kind of vain in that the idea of gaining weight is just a huge fear I have, and after putting in so much effort to lose 10 kilos, regaining 3 was a bit of a kick in the teeth. So I've kind of had to go back to extremely healthy eating and purposely exercising, which I obviously don't LOVE the idea of, but I've already lost one of those three kilos I put back on so I hope the others go away soon too, and I kind of hope lexapro helps with that. . But we shall see !
As I was saying in the first sentence, exams soon ! This is very exciting for me; nothing compares to the amazing feeling walking out of an exam knowing a topic is COMPLETE. This is my last year of university, and I'm just wrapping up my last semester, just handed in my last assignment, feels crazy, really does. Managing to work next year is going to be a whole new adventure. I honestly don't think I can work full time, I don't think I'm either stable enough, or perhaps I'm just not like normal people who can force themselves to go to work. It's incredibly stressful for me and I don't enjoy pressure. Luckily I do have a great boss and considering where I could be working, I do love my job.. It just IS stressful. Mistakes get noticed, and can seriously affect people (I work in a pathology company), and it worries me of what could happen if I screw up. I know most other people who work there don't worry about it as much as me, but my personality is such that I am terrified of making a mistake or being seen as stupid. I'm going to work 3 days a week over the holidays and see how I go, and like I said, my boss is so understanding.. She knows all about my problems and is a really caring person so I'm hoping it goes well :)
As usual, any questions - feel free to contact me. Or give me ideas of things to write about ! I'm running out D: Thanks for reading !
<3
Saturday, 22 October 2011
October 23, 2011
Howdy y'all.
It was my first little sister's birthday yesterday ! Shelby turned 18, which is a big deal of course, her being an adult now, so we had a big party to celebrate. I decided to take my medication later than usual and have a few drinks earlier on in the night because unfortunately I have enormous social anxiety and the idea of facing a large group of people without any kind of chemical assistance is too daunting. Unfortunately valproate and alcohol don't mix, and I only had about 2 drinks when I started feeling funny + really snoozy. Also if I skip my medication, my muscles twitch so hard it actually moves my whole arm/leg, and my whole body is itchy. It makes me want to murder people, really, it's SO uncomfortable. I had no idea this medication had withdrawal type side effects.. So anyway, I tried real hard to be sociable but I have no idea how I went. It's hard for me to imagine how I come across in conversations because in my head I'm thinking of a reply / a conversation starter, I'm counting how many seconds between eye contact, thinking about my body positioning so I don't come across as rude, trying not to panic when there's an awkward silence, etc. So I'm not totally sure if I come across as awkward and petrified as I feel on the inside, or if I just seem like some nice chatty kid.
I guess feeling so yucky has basically lead me to decide that I'll probably quit drinking. . there are few things I hate more on this earth than vomiting and having a headache, and combining them is some special kind of hell so I just can't risk it. I think at the end of the day, I have to think about what is more important - staying on medication and feeling mostly happy and stable, or quitting meds and going back to feeling like a train wreck but be able to drink a fair amount. . And of course, I pick the first one. It just means I have to find some way to work on my social skills, or at the very least accept that I'm awkward and not engage in any future social interactions ever. While I was toying with the idea of living in a mountain cave and eating nothing but imported salt and vinegar chips, Morgan suggested I try work on my social skills :C So in any case, I am going to try and not be such a socially awkward person, please don't give me too much of a hard time if I come across as rude or anything in conversation. I just suck at it. The only people I can talk to are my immediate family, morgan, and gemma and ellana - who I've known for I think 5 and 3 years respectively. Which is a long time to get comfortable around someone !
On a completely unrelated matter - I noticed I didn't make a blog about a recent decision I made. I decided to get dreads months ago but couldn't find anyone who used the technique I wanted, until about 2 weeks ago when someone on my facebook said they could dread hair without using products or back combing - just what I wanted ! We met up and now I have a head covered in tenacles which I love so much ! No more swearing at my hair / the mirror every morning cause it looks awful. I'm very happy with the result C: so if you're serious about getting your hair dreaded, let me know and I'll give you contact details (or check out 'Zephyr Elf' on facebook. Thanks for reading !
<3 B.
It was my first little sister's birthday yesterday ! Shelby turned 18, which is a big deal of course, her being an adult now, so we had a big party to celebrate. I decided to take my medication later than usual and have a few drinks earlier on in the night because unfortunately I have enormous social anxiety and the idea of facing a large group of people without any kind of chemical assistance is too daunting. Unfortunately valproate and alcohol don't mix, and I only had about 2 drinks when I started feeling funny + really snoozy. Also if I skip my medication, my muscles twitch so hard it actually moves my whole arm/leg, and my whole body is itchy. It makes me want to murder people, really, it's SO uncomfortable. I had no idea this medication had withdrawal type side effects.. So anyway, I tried real hard to be sociable but I have no idea how I went. It's hard for me to imagine how I come across in conversations because in my head I'm thinking of a reply / a conversation starter, I'm counting how many seconds between eye contact, thinking about my body positioning so I don't come across as rude, trying not to panic when there's an awkward silence, etc. So I'm not totally sure if I come across as awkward and petrified as I feel on the inside, or if I just seem like some nice chatty kid.
I guess feeling so yucky has basically lead me to decide that I'll probably quit drinking. . there are few things I hate more on this earth than vomiting and having a headache, and combining them is some special kind of hell so I just can't risk it. I think at the end of the day, I have to think about what is more important - staying on medication and feeling mostly happy and stable, or quitting meds and going back to feeling like a train wreck but be able to drink a fair amount. . And of course, I pick the first one. It just means I have to find some way to work on my social skills, or at the very least accept that I'm awkward and not engage in any future social interactions ever. While I was toying with the idea of living in a mountain cave and eating nothing but imported salt and vinegar chips, Morgan suggested I try work on my social skills :C So in any case, I am going to try and not be such a socially awkward person, please don't give me too much of a hard time if I come across as rude or anything in conversation. I just suck at it. The only people I can talk to are my immediate family, morgan, and gemma and ellana - who I've known for I think 5 and 3 years respectively. Which is a long time to get comfortable around someone !
On a completely unrelated matter - I noticed I didn't make a blog about a recent decision I made. I decided to get dreads months ago but couldn't find anyone who used the technique I wanted, until about 2 weeks ago when someone on my facebook said they could dread hair without using products or back combing - just what I wanted ! We met up and now I have a head covered in tenacles which I love so much ! No more swearing at my hair / the mirror every morning cause it looks awful. I'm very happy with the result C: so if you're serious about getting your hair dreaded, let me know and I'll give you contact details (or check out 'Zephyr Elf' on facebook. Thanks for reading !
<3 B.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Kids + Mental Illness
I'm feeling inspired to write this blog due to the recent birth of my first niece, Annabelle Grace. My brother's partner, Jodi, made me so proud throughout the whole pregnancy; she never drank, smoked, didn't take ANY medication except for the supplements she was told to take to help her body, she was such a trooper. The whole birth went a little less smoothly than hoped but Jodi and Curtis were so brave and made me cry on more than one occasion. I can't be more proud of them. And now, we have a beautiful little baby in the Freshney house who couldn't be more beautiful if she tried. . .
The whole experience has made me really clucky to say the least ! But, to begin with, I'm a planner. Have to finish uni, have to get my own little place with Morgan, have to have lots of money, etc. But in addition to those little things I would LIKE to have planned out first (I realise life doesn't always work according to plans) I also have to contend with the fact that I do have a mental illness and I am prescribed some pretty yucky medication to make me able to function on any kind of normal level.
The medication I'm on is category D I believe, which basically says it is known to cause birth defects, but the benefits may outweigh the risks. I have to decide, with the help of some medical professionals, whether the risk of severe depression + mania is great enough to risk the health of my unborn baby. Re-reading that sentence makes me feel so selfish, but if I can't look after myself how am I going to look after another little human who is totally dependent on me ? The risks to the baby include increased risk of spina bifida, lower IQ, and some craniofacial abnormalities. . It is still only a RISK and lots of healthy babies are born to women on valproate all the time, but is it a risk I want to take ? Then there's also the risk of taking medication while breast feeding and possibly harming the baby, but the chance of me having post natal episodes of depression/mania are ridiculously high, and are usually more serious than those that occur without the new stressor of child birth + raising a baby. I also have to consider what I'd do if I accidentally got pregnant. Yes, I use birth control now, but what if it fails ?
There isn't just the physical risk to the child that concerns me. I have to worry about the likelyhood of passing bipolar onto my kids because it does have a genetic component. I also worry about the long term effects of my mood on my kids - I'm I guess what you'd call 'in remission' now. . I'm neither up nor down, and I really do love it (well I do miss the 'ups' but they weren't worth the 'downs'). But I know episodes could still occur in the future, and while they may be less severe than usual, I'm terrified of mentally screwing up a kid. I think having a little sister who is 16 years younger than me has really upset me in some ways because when I'm sad and I have her around me I feel so guilty and worry about her seeing me like that will do to her in the future. She's so young and these times are crucial to her mental development, I don't want her to remember growing up and remembering me being a mess.. I hope she's too young to remember.
Having a grandmother who has bipolar episodes has had a big impact on me and my siblings. We have learned to tiptoe around her and often worry about telling her things / asking her things because of her mood. I'm scared I'll be like that to my kids. I don't want them to ever see me as unpredictable in a scary way or have to worry about talking to me.
I guess there's no reason to worry now and I'll just have to deal with it as it happens and make the choices as the options arise. Maybe if you are mentally ill and there are kids in your life though, especially children who count on you/trust you, THINK about what you're doing to them. And if you don't want to get better for yourself, for christ's sake, do it for them. You don't know what damage you could be doing.
Also, in relation to my first post, don't give teen parents shit until you really understand what kind of parent they are. My brother and Jodi are young parents and they are so much more responsible than a bunch of adult parents I know. Age means NOTHING in terms of responsibility.
Guess that's it.
<3
The whole experience has made me really clucky to say the least ! But, to begin with, I'm a planner. Have to finish uni, have to get my own little place with Morgan, have to have lots of money, etc. But in addition to those little things I would LIKE to have planned out first (I realise life doesn't always work according to plans) I also have to contend with the fact that I do have a mental illness and I am prescribed some pretty yucky medication to make me able to function on any kind of normal level.
The medication I'm on is category D I believe, which basically says it is known to cause birth defects, but the benefits may outweigh the risks. I have to decide, with the help of some medical professionals, whether the risk of severe depression + mania is great enough to risk the health of my unborn baby. Re-reading that sentence makes me feel so selfish, but if I can't look after myself how am I going to look after another little human who is totally dependent on me ? The risks to the baby include increased risk of spina bifida, lower IQ, and some craniofacial abnormalities. . It is still only a RISK and lots of healthy babies are born to women on valproate all the time, but is it a risk I want to take ? Then there's also the risk of taking medication while breast feeding and possibly harming the baby, but the chance of me having post natal episodes of depression/mania are ridiculously high, and are usually more serious than those that occur without the new stressor of child birth + raising a baby. I also have to consider what I'd do if I accidentally got pregnant. Yes, I use birth control now, but what if it fails ?
There isn't just the physical risk to the child that concerns me. I have to worry about the likelyhood of passing bipolar onto my kids because it does have a genetic component. I also worry about the long term effects of my mood on my kids - I'm I guess what you'd call 'in remission' now. . I'm neither up nor down, and I really do love it (well I do miss the 'ups' but they weren't worth the 'downs'). But I know episodes could still occur in the future, and while they may be less severe than usual, I'm terrified of mentally screwing up a kid. I think having a little sister who is 16 years younger than me has really upset me in some ways because when I'm sad and I have her around me I feel so guilty and worry about her seeing me like that will do to her in the future. She's so young and these times are crucial to her mental development, I don't want her to remember growing up and remembering me being a mess.. I hope she's too young to remember.
Having a grandmother who has bipolar episodes has had a big impact on me and my siblings. We have learned to tiptoe around her and often worry about telling her things / asking her things because of her mood. I'm scared I'll be like that to my kids. I don't want them to ever see me as unpredictable in a scary way or have to worry about talking to me.
I guess there's no reason to worry now and I'll just have to deal with it as it happens and make the choices as the options arise. Maybe if you are mentally ill and there are kids in your life though, especially children who count on you/trust you, THINK about what you're doing to them. And if you don't want to get better for yourself, for christ's sake, do it for them. You don't know what damage you could be doing.
Also, in relation to my first post, don't give teen parents shit until you really understand what kind of parent they are. My brother and Jodi are young parents and they are so much more responsible than a bunch of adult parents I know. Age means NOTHING in terms of responsibility.
Guess that's it.
<3
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